X-MAS is over!

Thank goodness, now we just have to get New Years out of the way and the new year begins. For Christmas all my relatives went down to my Grandma's on the rez and I stayed here in Rapid and cleaned my apartmetnt, no, it wasn't sad or lonely, if anything I was quite proud of getting a lot done. I had to borrow my aunts vacuum but I finally got it all done. Other than that NOT A DAMN thing going on, although I did see this one guy out last night who looked so famiiar to me, yet...I was also kind of scared of him. It was like a bad de ja vu and he kept looking at me and I kept looking away because I didn't want him to come and talk to me, weird. He was good looking though.
Heres some A&F hotties...
late

Treehouse Saga

I don't have enough to do on the weekends... yeah right! AND...my dad and I have been promising the kids a treehouse for as long as I can remember.

Soooo the project began on 11/19 with the beams. It will be a hybrid treehouse/playset for the kids with swings, slides, climbing ramp, ladder.. maybe even a trap door.. Cool thing about a treehouse is that you have to custom build it.. no two are the same. Kind of like relationships between people.

This is a lot of fun. A lot of work.. but that is okay.

Pictures of the SAGA-- click here

Update:11/28 -- Thanks to help from a friend, and from Tracee... I have finished the floor of the tree house and all of the swing sets... We now have 4 swings, a disc swing and a ring/climbing bar.. VERY COOL... I'll add some updated pics to the website when I get a few minutes. I have spent a lot of time working in the last few days...Even working by yourself can be therapeutic. I feel better when I can accomplish something and then see the tangible results. I am not like that all the time, but sometimes it does help to be able to say "I did that"

Update: 12/12 -- Thanks to John K, Dad, John M, and Ernie.. The walls are up, though I am not current on the pictures yet.. Cold and wet outside.. but building is fun.. just a lot of work..

Update: 12/24 -- Mom and Dad came up for Christmas and Dad and I worked most of Thurs and Friday... Despite my compressor failure, the snail's pace of amateur builders, and tons of mistakes, the final product is coming along quite nicely. Walls are all up, and hopefully, the trim will be complete by the time we quit today. Next steps: slide assembly, trap door build, roof framing, roofing, (need help on that...

Update: 12/26 -- We went out to breakfast this morning to the River City Diner.. and then back to the "grind".. Dad and I began building the slide.. the theme here is bolts, bolts, bolts, bolts, and then more bolts thrown in with a few lag screws.. I am talking a lot of bolts.. for real. Slide is now done, and I custom built the platform and supports. The slide base is about 6 inches higher than I would like, but when I put in all of the mulch that will fix that. Last night, I build a model of the oblong shape to play around with different roof designs... Note to self.. next time having at least two parallel walls would have been a LOT EASIER for roofing... I am proud of this thing now... It is officially kid safe, and everyone seems to love it.. I'll put the roof frame on this week sometime, or now.. depends on what we decide to do...

Mature

It doesn't mean old.. it doesn't mean experienced. It means that you are comfortable with who you are, and you don't feel the need to prove yourself to those around you. The closest parallel I could come up with is the idea of "tenure" in the university systems. The difference is of course, that tenure is "bestowed" by peers and committees. Maturity is earned privately through hundreds of successes and failures. People in my life contribute, but ultimately the growth is up to me.

On Stargate SG1, they talk about "ascension" as a concept of moving past a need for a physical body. In my mind, that is similar to my line of thinking. Maturity doesn't mean that I don't care about others around me, or what they think. It simply means that how they feel and think of me, doesn't drive my happiness. It isn't the focus of my actions in the world.

When I am finally comfortable with myself, I can make the "choice" to help others. I can choose to spread the Gospel, not because others think I should, but because I see it as the calling for my life. I sing, not for glory, but simply because it is who I am and what I do.

I want those around me to like me, but I don't NEED it...

MATURE:
1. Having reached full natural growth or development: a mature cell.
2. Having reached a desired or final condition; ripe: a mature cheese.
Of, relating to, or characteristic of full development, either mental or physical: mature for her age.
3. Suitable or intended for adults: mature subject matter.
Composed of adults: a mature audience.
4. Worked out fully by the mind; considered: a mature plan of action.Having reached the limit of its time; due: a mature bond.
5. No longer subject to great expansion or development. Used of an industry, a market, or a product.
6. Geology. Having reached maximum development of form. Used of streams and landforms.
Source: The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition
Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company.
Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

Rapid City Night Life...

...I'm tired of it. Well two more days and then it's Christmas and then it's New Years and then finally...spring rolls around. Was slow in the office today, I got a lot done though. Most people are out with their families are travelling to their families *sigh*. I will most likely go home and take a nap. I may go out tonight, but I'm so sick of downtown Rapid City, it's like *shiver* just tired. There are 10 bars/clubs down town ALL with in a 3 block walking area. Murphys-Irish "themed" bar, I don't care for it, reminds me of a Chilis the way it's set up. St. Joes Pub-rocker/punker/goth or just whatever bar. The Brass Rail (my hang out), little neighborhood bar...kind of like the official unofficial "gay" bar of Rapid City. Paddy's-lounge in the lobby of the Hotel Alex Johnson, it's ok, I don't like the crowd that goes there, kind of uppity. The Big Kahuna...mmm...it's allright, they have big couches you can sit on which I kind of like and sometimes they show video's on the wall. The Firehouse, more of an eatery but great beer! Fatty's- dance club which I CAN NOT STAND! ugh! same people every week. Now when you have a little neighborhood bar and it's the same 10 people each week, those are regulars. If you have 300 of the same people each week, that's just tired.
Philly's, lounge at the Radisson, good live music. Finally Woody's-the biggest club in town but not the busiest. So that's it, those are my choices.
Well I must be going, I would wait until 5:01 to blog! but time to go!
Here is Frederic Michalak again, the hot french rugby player. Enjoy!

Wow...almost Christmas

I will be doing nothing, just like Thanksgiving! Well except I don't have to study this holiday. Nothing new going on, it's quiet here at work today, everyone off with their families for the holidays *sigh*. Here's some more players from Dieux du Stade! Enjoy, peace out!


Bath anyone??!!



This guys name is Romain Collinet...gorgeous!!

I got him...

...the mouse is trapped and gone!! I won't say how, let's just say IF that was my only mouse then I am now mouse free. Thank goodness!! I caught him this morning before work. Ugh! I'm so ready to go back to California, at least my roomie will have a cat! Albeit a gay cat, but still a cat!!
Nothing much else to report, thinking of revamping this blog a bit. Until then enjoy
Frederic Michalak...a gorgeous French Rugby Team player...look for more coming up of all the members of the Dieux du Stade (french team).
Late!

Yawn...

...what a lazy day. I got a lot done at work but now I feel lost because it's 5pm, and I can go home. No staying late to study, no staying late to make up time when I'm at school. I get to home, like a normal person...kinda. I don't know what to do with myself! Well I'm actually going to apply for a server position tomorrow and make some extra cash and occupy my time. So that's it for today, I'm going to try and blog each day...I know I said I would when I started but come on, I live in South Dakota, not a whole lot talk about! and yet more Joseph Sayers or JS ;-)Later!

Ok, it's done...

...school is over, that's it. So what did I do? I MISSED THE LAST TEST OF MY LAST CLASS OF THE SEMESTER on Friday! I couldn't believe it, I studied my ass for that exam, I set the alarm clock on my cell phone, I went to bed early. I woke up with twenty minutes to get there, my class is 51 miles away. Wasn't going to happen. I felt sick the whole day, it was horrible. I haven't even emailed my profressor...what I'm going to say? Although friends have given me plenty of excuses, but I don't want to lie. So I'm hoping that my grade was strong enough, so that the 100 points I missed out on, will not be to detrimental to me in the long run. International Business was a breeze this semester, now my Math class is kind of still going. Based on a test I took, if I pass it, I get an extension until 1/6/06 if I didn't, I'll be taking an incomplete for the class (it's an internet class). So other than that, life is good. I'm glad school is over and I can breathe a bit now. Miss Mantoan and I are so anxious for the condo that we are hoping to get in March! I'm so looking forward to it, she's kind of a technofile so we'll have all the good stuff like cable and wireless internet and such.
It's going to be way better than here! So the other morning I get up and wander into the kitchen to get something to drink when I see this little furry head pop out of the pot on the stove, a mouse! He kind of looked at me, and I kind of looked at him and then he just went down through the burners. Once my heart came back down to an acceptable level. I freaked the f*ck out! I was like, OH HELLZ NAW! I am NOT living with vermin! So now I have traps all over the kitchen, I think he lives in my oven to be honest. I just can't live with a mouse, I want to catch him, I NEED to see a body...I must have closure. During the spring and fall I had hornets/yellowjackets/wasps whatever you want to call them, just pop out of my walls in my apartment and I couldn't figure out where they were coming from, I have storm windows but never left them open. I think they live in the walls, with the mice. Ugh! I soooo am ready to go back to Cali now.
A couple more pics of Joseph Sayers! Enjoy!

Wires, wires everywhere

I have concerts this weekend with solo singing, so working outside is not a good plan. Air is just cold enough to turn my slight cold into something serious. sooooo working inside is the game.

After 9 months of looking at a huge box of wires accumulated from our move(in my office of course), I finally decided to organize and trash. I ended up with 4 major areas. Ethernet cables, Stereo cables(RCA and speaker), power cables, USB stuff and then the last and biggest box was the TRASH.

It was so hard to throw away those old serial connectors, ADB extension, SCSI, etc..but realizing that I haven't looked at these things in years..I didn't even know they were there, and I don't have any systems that use any of that stuff anymore. It was strangely therapeutic to move on.

That thought has been recurring this week. We have done lot of new things, in our new home, in our new neighborhood, with new people. We love the old people, but not all of those connections are sustainable without current context. Without a working usable system of interactions, the old connections weigh me down. It is best to let them go and move forward. Easier said than done...and the disconnect order/threshold is very difficult to see. It takes a long time to actually accept the change and move forward.

It feels like I have been in "transition" for too long. Lord, thank you for being patient with me as I grow, make mistakes, fail, and even sometimes succeed. All of those things impact me positively if I look at them through the right lens.

I know there is a plan for me. My soul doth magnify the Lord.

Good enough

When are thing good enough? Our culture seems to glorify mediocrity. We give standing ovations to every performance these days. Who is setting the standards? I know that my Juilliard/WCC background sets me up to deal with unreasonable expectations.. I do expect higher standards of myself than others. I do think that it is worthy to always find something you could have done better even in success. I have had numerous teachers tell me that the day I decide I am "good enough" is the day that my growth as a musician stops. There is something here. I want to be a lifelong learner, who strives to perform better at every opportunity. Some performances/presentations go better than others, but the crux is about my personal perspective.

I am good enough for now, but I can never be good enough forever. That doesn't keep me from trying though...

Finally...

...school is almost done. I think I did quite well this semester, considering how much I missed because of the gas situation. Oh that reminds me, my car no longer has 5th gear, slips out of 1st and 2nd all the time and 3rd is beginning to "buzz". 4th is my solid gear AND ironically, 4 is my luck number, I'm just saying...
Nothing new to report, going to look for a second job soon so I can save up and get the hell out of here and back to the self indulgent lifestyle I so badly miss!!
Oooh, gotta go, hot copy machine repair man just walked in!

Making a difference

November stretches into December.. Christmas is upon me and I wonder if I make a difference in my world. What is special about each of us? so special that God would come down into the world as a man, live as us, among us, and then sacrifice himself for all. The story is so fantastic. The idea that one man can and did make a difference for the rest of us. My world teaches me to rely on myself, and people that I can count on. Yet, even with all I can do, I so often accomplish so little. My existence, is serial, a sequence of events bound by a finite number of interactions with others.

Today, I was amazed and moved by a simple song about Christmas shoes... the song itself a bit tacky, too sensationalist, too emotional.. yet, I was touched in a profound way on the way to work, breaking down in tears. This is VERY uncharacteristic for me. Simply hearing the song colored the remainder of my day.

When I got home from work, I watched the last 30-40 minutes of "The Return of the King".. Frodo epitomizes the struggle of the unknown and the idea that one, with faith, and the support of a fellowship can make a difference.

I go through my days like everyone else.. I do what I do.. playing my many roles. I have gotten better at linking my worlds. Sometimes I am a singer, sometimes a conductor, sometimes a teacher, sometimes a manager, sometimes a technogeek, sometimes a carpenter, sometimes a husband, sometimes a father, always a child seeking to see and remain on the path. My journey progresses a day at a time and no matter who I am today, my actions define me..

I am not special. I seek to love those around me. Sometimes I am better at it than others. When I am judged..as we all will be someday.. I pray that I was true to my calling. I use music and technology to touch those around me. I can make a difference, but only when I give up my sense of self and replace it with humility and service. I use my skills and gifts wherever and whenever I am provided the opportunity. I shouldn't seek praise and recognition but I do... My passions and actions are so easily led astray.. Lord, help me to remain in you.


I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:5

How I found Joseph Sayers

AND wow is he gorgeous! I heard there were "naughty pictures" of him out there and I'm just wondering why he would have those done when obviously his career is taking off? Well maybe it was before he made it big, but man...he's hot!
These are some of his professional pics. Click the link UPDATE: Sorry link is no longer valid and his profile has been taken off the site. (Joseph Sayers)to read the article on how Joseph got his start!

Singing in public

Alyssa and Emma decided to make their public profession of faith yesterday. I was so excited that I wasn't sure what to say or feel. We have been talking with them for months about this decision. They did it on their own. They of course know that it was what Tracee and I wanted for them, but we made it clear that it was a big step that they needed to take for themselves. I will always remember their talk with Rod Hale after church..(the Rod of God) He shared with them about his personal decision and then explained that Satan would be after them now. They needed to pray and study the bible regularly to keep him away. I think they actually got it...

I led the musical worship elements at HRBC on Sunday as well and I was reminded of how wonderful it is to stand in front of people singing praises to God. Whether it is the congregation or the choir, the sound and the energy is contagious...

Quote from "ELF" with Will Farrell.... "best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear"

Perhaps this is why the command to sing is so heavily used in the Bible... singing allows us to be in touch with God and at the same time touch those around us... When we sing in public, we share a piece of ourselves with the listeners. The glory doesn't go to the singer or to the audience.. instead the power is in the partnership.. between the composer, the performer, and the listener... Each is dependent on the other to be fulfilled.

The gospel comes alive when we share it with others. Lord, help me to "sing" in public more openly.

My jeans are baggy

...and I love it. Swimming at they Y three times a week is really doing the job, that and no beer and no food. Well the no food thing isn't by choice :-) IN any case the results are quite wonderful! Pants that I bought to be baggy years ago are now baggy again! LOL
Other than that, I have nothing new to post, life is just so humdrum here. Still looking at moving back to Cali in January or Feb. Still my plan! Looking foward to it actually. More later.
late

Without Faith

Conversation with a good friend at work today centered around how anyone can get through tough times without faith. Her best friend's son was beaten to death at a college in SC by an ignorant oaf, all over a girl. I didn't know what to say. I can't explain it. That is something I look forward to asking about in Heaven.

I think of all the things that populate my life. I am reminded that we can lose those things at any moment. We rented the movie "Robots" tonight.. what a great, entertaining hour and half.. Kids loved it. Tracee and I liked it. The theme in the movie was that anyone can succeed if they truly believe in their purpose, work hard and sacrifice towards it. I think there is a truth there, but not the only truth. Without my faith, my life becomes a means to an insignificant end. With faith, my life becomes a journey full of love, people, emotion, discipline, sacrifice and opportunity.

My list is incomplete, but so is my journey. Every day brings a different list to mind.

I am going to make some music tomorrow. We will prepare for a Christmas concert "experience" with the Hulins. It won't be an accomplishment. It will be an opportunity to raise my voice, be true to my purpose and calling and glorify God. I am excited. Lord, Jesus, Christ, have mercy on me. Bless my offering and make it holy and acceptable to you.

I sing praises to my God.

Candle of Grace

Lighting a candle is a simple exercise, or so it seems. Under the right conditions, I strike a match, merge the sulphuric flame with a waiting wick, and then when I remove the source, the wick lights and becomes its own source. Grace is like this flame. God shares it with me. His love envelops me, consumes me and at the same time empowers me to share with others. The source flame is composed of love. I am bound to share this love with another this Christmas. I pray that God will help me to find an unlit or dormant candle in my world and provide the spark which will bring that person to life in Christ. Ann Weems writes in her poem Godburst:

"When the Holy Child is born into our hearts
there is a rain of stars
a rushing of angels
a blaze of candles
this God burst into our lives.
Love is running through the streets."

Father, Help me to run through the streets lighting candles of grace as I share your love in all that I do.

Moving back home...

...I think. I've decided that I'm a shallow person who is materialistic and want's pretty shiny things. That's why I want to move back to California, I want to move back, get a decent job and buy me a new pair of shoes, maybe some pants...and a DVD/VCR player. That's what I want. I've been here over a year, I'm content, at peace and basically life is grand...I just want nice things. I haven't adjusted to being poor, I can't budget anymore with what I make, and I just am not going to adjust to eating Ramen for the next three years. I tried. I can't do it. I am a quitter, I'm ok with that. I just want to move on and be able to afford the new Madonna CD when it comes out. If this makes me a bad person, then I don't want to be good. I thought I'd have like this spiritual awakening or something like that moving back here, to where I'm from. Not the case, if anything it reminded me of how I've moved on in so many ways from this place. It's not depressing, nor do I hate it. I just miss my family and I miss swiping my ATM card and not having to worry about whether that exttra .20 cents I paid for hair gel is going to affect me this week. So my plan? I have none, I just know that I will end up in California at some point within the year. Maybe at the end of this semester, maybe next semester. I'm not going to give myself a deadline, it'll just happen when it happens. :-)
We shall see.

Forecast

My whole life seems to be consumed with looking and planning for the future these days. Resource and organizational changes are creating a good opportunity for me to grow and develop at work.. Almost all of our project and team successes are a function of our ability to accurately estimate and forecast for the future.

Good forecasts are completed at the appropriate level.. not too high, not too detailed, and for the appropriate time frame. Life is like that...

Wasn't able to go to choir practice last couple of weeks... not performing and leading in a musical outlet makes me feel terrible.. prone to mood swings, compulsive work habits... I am hopeful that some opportunities to make music will present themselves soon. I need that creative outlet..

Another forecast: Somehow, I need to find the right balance between obligations to family and the need to earn money, serving others, and serving myself... To be successful in the first two.. I have to put more focus on the third...

Funny quote from Steve Martin's movie Parenthood - "women have choices, men just have obligations" .. true or not, maybe the reality is more a function of choice not predestination.

The journey is the goal

I have created a world for myself that is filled with objectives. Get this, win, learn enough, become wise, don't mess up... and a myriad of others that are the "stuff" of my days, every day.

Today... it is clear to me. My revelation is that there is no revelation...in my many contexts.. I can't find the answers because I am asking the wrong questions.

The final answer is a fluid moving texture built of individuals and their love for one another... as directed and intended by God who loved us all first. We are all first born of God. It is not possible to us to love one another enough or too much. We are called to simply love..not only for today, or yesterday, but forever and more importantly, in every second of every day.

Pursuing Vital Ministry and the Emerging Future Story... for me is a call to tangible social action which demonstrates God's love for all of us.. through our love for one another. My new goal is to figure out how I do it just so I can get better at it...I am a musician, so I will make music. I am a father and husband, so I will parent. I am a worker so I will work. Most of all, I am a human being, made in my father's image, so... I will love him by loving others.

Each of us loves differently.. because we are all different. Ultimately.. the important thing is that we all matter. Our story is about who we are, who we come from, who we love, who loves us and how we accomplish this.. "Who's your daddy?" It is not about the accomplishments, but rather the accomplishing.. the actions are our evidence... We don't need credit.. certainly not human credit. We just need to put our heart in the right place.. and keep on keeping on..

For some of you reading this.. I am stating the obvious... maybe so, but I don't think it was so obvious to me until today.. I guess I am just slow like that.

People are all that matter.. all people... all the time... I hope that I can get better at the journey without focusing so much on where I am going...I am learning to write a story even when I don't know what the last chapter means... Revelations are like that.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
1Cor. 13:1-13

Beacon

Beacon is the word that repeatedly returns to my daily world through multiple paths.. God is telling me something.. so here is the first pass at talking about it.

Beacon:
1. A signaling or guiding device, such as a lighthouse, located on a coast.
2. A radio transmitter that emits a characteristic guidance signal for aircraft.
3. A source of guidance or inspiration.
4. A signal fire, especially one used to warn of an enemy's approach

I noticed the active and passive functions associated with being a beacon. I think that I am being called along with all Christians to be a beacon in our world. That means it is okay to be distinctive.. not separatist.. but distinctive.. It is important that I know what my "signal" is and that I seek out ways to broadcast.

I think of all the beacon activities I present for the world's consumption. Too many are negative.. I have slipped in my own personal standards in the last year or so. That is something I will work to correct. Who we are at our core..along with what we do and say does matter.. because others are always watching...

Another important thought is that a beacon doesn't have to be the final destination...just a checkpt along the journey. If we are all beacons for one another... all seeking a path.. The journey becomes easier, and the path is well lit for others to follow...

One beacon is powerful, but a series is needed.. The song that comes to mind is so cliched.. but so poignant and clear in my mind..

"This little light of mine.. I'm gonna let it shine." The important thing is the light.. not the lamp.

I plan to stick with this idea and post more in the future..

Chapter

I spent the day today visiting a treasured mentor who will soon be absent from my workplace. While the loss of his presence in the workplace is significant and depressing on one level, I was mostly struck by the refreshingly "future focused" tenor of our conversations. For him, he is striking out into a completely new arena.. non-corporate...seeking personal fulfillment through further education and work in a field for which he has passion. He has purpose, focus, a plan, and the means to accomplish all of these things. The privilege of choice is a great blessing...

For Joe and I, it seemed as though there was some sort of graduation..I matured as a "corporate thinker/manager" under this man's tutelage and example. Over lunch today, we talked about legacy, relationships, goals and journeys. A chapter of our story is written, but the book has so much left to be written...I will focus my future on seeking a place to learn which also provides me an opportunity to contribute.

"Live the life we have been granted, live it to the fullest, and pay attention."

Bird Flu...

...Ok, why is Bird Flu all of a sudden an issue for humans? Hundreds of thousands of years of bird and man living together and no flu. All of a sudden we have bird flu, which could pass to humans which means we need to buy more drugs to save us. Do you see what's going on? I think the drug companies are "creating" viruses just so they could sell their product. No I am not a conspiracy freak either, it just seems you can't watch TV without 5 different drug commercials coming on pressuring you to "talk to your doctor". Ok the latest one, RLS, Restless Leg Syndrome...for real. I saw this comercial for people who shake their leg while sitting or watching tv, now there is help for them. GIVE ME A BREAK!! I guess I have RLS, but I'll be damned if I'm going to take a pill for it, besides it helps work off calories :-)
I'll just stick to taking my Vitamin C.

Rwanda Genocide

...I was reading this article about how the school where 50,000 Tutsis were killed in one day, was recently made into a memorial. All in all over 800,000 Tutsis were massacared. The UN, France, Belgium and the U.S. knew before hand the Genocide was going to take place by the Hutu people. Yet we didn't do anything, not one soldier was sent to Rwanda. I have never read anywhere that Sadam Hussein killed 800,000 of his people, maybe it's happened I don't know. I know he had tortured a lot of people who opposed his "regime". I know we "thought" he had Weapons of Mass Destruction, and I also know how rich his own country is in oil.
Maybe if the Tutsis people had WMD's or enormous oil fields we would have at least tried and to diplomatically stop the genocide.
Guess not.

Direction

Spent a lot of energy in the past 6 months focusing on singing for me. I think that is the wrong intention and despite the realization that singing, my singing, is at the core of my identity.. It can not become my sole focus. That is NOT who I am anymore.
I was that person and years ago chose a different route. No need to seek that direction again..Self-promotion and success as a performer are not the keys do defining my purpose, or fulfilling my call.
I actually turned down an opportunity to sing weekly at a local church for good money this past week.. Seemed to me that the impact on my family, not to mention the return to solo performing in church for money would have intensely negative consequences all around. but man... the extra paycheck would have been nice

There is something different for me here, in focusing on encouraging others to sing versus singing for them. Music ministry(as defined by Jeff) should have a healthy weighting on the former and while solo singing and my growth as a performer are important.. they are not central to my purpose and direction.

Building on a comment from an earlier post..

Encouragement and Service are central to my purpose and direction.. Some at church, some on stage, some at work, and some at family.. Success is defined by the mix and the journey.. not the destination/outcome.

Maintenance

Church was good today. Despite my general feeling of insignificant futility lately, when I am at church I feel like I am at my most effective. I am provided an opportunity to raise my voice bringing glory to God. This action is central to who I am. I decided to do some maintenance on my truck today. Normally, I would take it somewhere, but I thought maybe I could save a few buck...(jury is out on that one)

Goal was to change the oil, replace air and oil filters, replace wiper blades and replace my aging battery. While I was working diligently couple of things happened..
1. I determined that doing this sort of thing gives me a strong connection to my memories of the person that I used to be... At least as a kid.. the smells, the oil and dirt.. even the sweat all brings back intense memories of time spent with my father and grandfather. Even washing my hands afterwards flashes scenes in my brain of my grandfather washing his hands in the sink with dish soap.
2. I determined, that while this is who I used to be... That identity is really in the past. I am not so good at it these days. I spilled oil all over the place.. spent more time cleaning up than I did working.. I had all sorts of trouble just getting the oil filter off. But.. the actions were therapeutic.. so maybe there is more value to the actions than to the outcome.

Identity is intricately and intensely tied to our past, but it should be just as intricately and intensely tied to our future. That future is bright.. not because of anticipated future "successes" but because I know that God will take care of me and my family. My future has to be about sharing my "faith" in a story...as it is written. The early chapters of my book are written, but the future is blank and I have a part to play in how those pages are filled.

Free will allows me to choose to focus either on me, or on others. Making music and sharing my faith through that music is the central theme. Focusing on family and my personal faith journey provides me the context and foundation for success.. The corporate world and technology provide the context for interactions out of my comfort zone and utilize my skill sets most effectively for evangelism.

Each of us has decisions to make about our future.

Who is it that you want to be?

The Robert Kennedy quote from Raylene's testimony this morning struck a powerful chord for me... I know where I am in terms of these perspectives: Do you?

"There are those who look at things the way they are, and ask why... I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?"

While I was writing this, these add'l quotes from RK struck me as important. Click here to see more.

"Progress is a nice word. But change is its motivator. And change has its enemies."

"It is not enough to understand, or to see clearly. The future will be shaped in the arena of human activity, by those willing to commit their minds and their bodies to the task."

"Few will have the greatness to bend history itself; but each of us can work to change a small portion of events, and in the total; of all those acts will be written the history of this generation."


Quotes taken from brainyquote.com... Robert Kennedy

I know almost nothing about this man.. yet these few sentences impacted me profoundly. We should all be so focused on the future while learning from the past.

Good, Better, Best - no matter

The Prillaman way is somehow about seeking to be the best.. achieving success(lots of ways to define this).. then somehow changing plans before that success can grow into something that consumes me. I talk about focusing on others, I care about people, but deep down I wonder just how selfless those relationships are. This kind of thinking will really mess with your mind. Are my actions based on love for fellow man, on my call to ministry... or at a deeper level am I fulfilling some intense desire to please and impress those around me.. My initial reaction that reality-possibility is a sense of self-loathing,shallowness, and disgust.. but I think maybe this is at the crux of how the devil can take us off the path with such a little misdirection... Do we all go through this struggle as we mature?

Seeking success down a successional variety of paths... maybe that is what we are all supposed to do. Maybe I should be more content, but I have this deep seated passion to seek the "prize"... only my prize is so often the respect of others, power, money...My prize should be my relationship to God, a call to social action, a sense of identity built on a solid foundation which allows me to question openly and live in a questioning world.

I spin this tale about doing my best.. but actions speak. When given a choice, I seek to be the best as long as it doesn't compromise my family. That is the only thing that seems to trump this intense passion for the competition. My desire to WIN overrides everything except family.

To win.. at work to get the promotion-power-money-respect, on the stage to be able to use my voice and skill to lead others-touch their souls-share who I am at my core, in my community by being liked and popular and in the family by seeking to be super dad..

Ultimately, the burden is too much for any man to bear. The first monologue I ever memorized sums it up...

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side,
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

William Shakespeare from "As you like it"

The melodrama of our story is real..consequences painful. Our children and family pay the price for our vain misguided sense of accomplishment..

Lord, help me to focus my senses and skills on seeking your will and bending to your rod.

It's pouring outside...

...like the Ark type of storm!! We are supposed to get snow tonight also, so that will be nice to wake up to a wintery wonderland. Hopefully it will stay on the ground for awhile, we could use the moisture. I have nothing of interest to report on, school is good and work is good and that dumbass Arnold in California recently vetoed a gay marriage bill, but who is surprised at that? Not so cool having the Terminator as your Governor now is it? He's offended women rights, minorities rights and lately the civil rights groups of California. I am soooo hoping he does not get re-elected. I expect that from this State, but not Cali, California has always been so progressive and liberal and challenging, I live in a state that has more cattle than people. I'm at work right now, putting in some hours so my paycheck get's a little weight on it! It's getting late but each time I grab my backpack to go, the wind starts howling and the rain is slamming into the windows and it freaks me out, so here I sit, afraid to leave my office!! Well actually see I have to set the alarm and it's at the back door, so then I have to walk aalllll the way around the building to the front of my building where my car is parked. Miss Mantoan is on my cell speakerphone right now telling me about Bride Kidnapping in China...she's begging to be kidnapped 'cause she has no choice! *sigh* I guess this storm ain't that bad after all, I can run through the rain!!
hugz

Do you go to hell if you sleep with a priest...

...?? It's just a question. I mean, I didn't but I could, okay I won't.

I'm forced to recycle old stories...

...I've been so busy that I haven't had a chance to blog in awhile. In a nutshell, I'm doing great. One of my friends suggested I put the "Mouse" story on my blog page, so...here it goes. I had just moved to Fresno a couple of weeks earlier...

Originally sent Fri, 27 Aug 2004 15:13:12 -0700 (PDT)

So this is how I started my day today. First of all let me preface by explaining that we do have a mouse. I've seen him, he's tiny but he's still...a mouse. Centuries ago man and mouse lived together in harmony but those days are gone. I want him killed, dead, gone! At night when I sit on the computer and listen to the Olympics on the TV behind me, I hear him. He's in the kitchen, he's in the pantry, he knocks things over and he's getting too bold. So I tell my roomie Sandy and she puts out some cheap sticky traps and is certain we are going to catch him, we even have old poison around and he'll eat that. I think he just ice skated on the sticky traps, we don't catch him and he's still disturbing my late night web surfing. He's a smart sucker. So I wake up yesterday and go turn on the tv and sit on the couch and I hear some rustling amidst some diaper packages next to the entertainment center, then OUT speeds this little gray thing, he heads over to the wall and through kitchen and into the back of the stove. I was dumbfounded. I did NOT just see a mouse. Oh NO HE DINNNIT! So when my heart beat comes back to an acceptable level, I call my mom and she's like, you have to kill him, you have to get rid of him...he'll breed, they'll be more...they'll be in your room. Nuff said. I call my roomie on lunch and she's just like oh, well ok, we'll have to get some more traps and blah blah blah. Sandy is not realizing the severity of this situation. I am still in shock of sharing a dwelling with a rodent. I'm still in shock of seeing him run through the living room. I must take matters into my own city boy hands.

So I hit Wal-Mart after work and I buy poison, snap traps and sticky pads that look like you can tow a truck with them, just stick 'em on your bumper. I'm going to get this mouse! We set up the traps (the kids had great fun helping me with the snap traps) and the kitchen is armed, it's dangerous...it's soon to be...the killing field.

I didn't hear him last night, he's waiting, he knows...he's planning his next move. I sit, I wait...I'm waiting to hear the snap trap, a shriek when he get's stuck...at least him knocking something over but I hear nothing...it's quiet on the Killing field tonight.

So I stumble out of bed this morning and walk into the kitchen and stop short, there he is, he's on the sticky trap right next to the oven. I knew I'd get him, I knew it, but it's early and I didn't want to touch it, ugh! So I went back to bed. When I got up later he had moved to the other side of the sticky trap and I thought, he's going to get out if he keeps that up. So I called my momma and she told me I had to either kill him or put it in a plastic
bag so he would suffocate and I didnt' want to do either and my mom was like you have to and I was like NO! and she was like yes! and I was like NO and she was like yes! and I was like NO and she was like YES! aaahhhh!!
So...I picked up the trap with the mouse on it with salad tongs, and the
mouse started shrieking and I started screaming and my mom was like,
just do it!! I almost peed. So I put him in a ziplock bag and threw him in the garbage can out back. Hell of way to start my day I tell you.
So now we should have no more mouse problems, I hope he was the only one because I really don't think I can do that every morning before breakfast. So that's the lastest from the country, I hope you are all well...and mouse free.

Where I'm supposed to be...

...last night I was talking to a friend of mine here in town and she asked if I think I've had a good life. It made me think. I told her...I think I've had an excellent life! I'm 35 and have lived more and seen more than some people twice my age, I've dated men who could afford to fly me all over the place on a moments notice and dated men who couldn't get a job if their life depended on it. I've stayed at some of the finest hotels in the U.S. and also went a week without electricity in my little one bedroom apartment (just recently actually). I've lived overseas and in Las Vegas, Phoenix, San Jose, Fresno...just to name a few. I guess one can say I've been on both sides of the spectrum. After telling my friend about some of my adventures, I felt a bit nostalgic for my "nomadic" ways, but then again I haven't even been here a year yet. She asked if I missed that lifestyle, and for the first time I can honestly say...not really. I'm where I'm supposed to be right now, I'm content here. It's been quite awhile since I've been content. I like my little apartment, my laid back job and my little circle of friends. I love the weather and the laid back atmosphere of this city, I like being away from my family's drama. I don't have that "restlessness" about me anymore (well at least not now). I think the second chapter of my life is really about me finishing school. There's still a lot I want to do and see, and money will really help with that. I'm not really at that age to be a boytoy anymore *grin*. Besides, I want to do things on my own...explore by myself. So where I'm going after this, God only knows...but for now, I'm where I'm supposed to be. Of course I could drop out of school by mid-terms and end up staying at a friends place in Hawaii (which was something I was pondering before I ended up here). I think that's the beauty of my life, I just don't really know where the wind will blow me. Some people can't stand that, they can't stand not having a plan or knowing what's happening next. I on the other hand don't want to know, I don't want to have a plan or know what's around the corner, that's just not my style. You can live life or exist. I'd like to think I'm living... :-)
Now...if my landlord would only let me have a dog...
:-)
late

Normal..

Two very interesting comments on "normal"...I loved them both...

if you are reading this please post your ideas.. we all benefit from your thoughts...

For me, normal this week was summed up by my return to a Wed night choir rehearsal at HRBC. I had a great time. I sang hard, laughed a bit, and left wanting more. People there are no different than in past months but something is different about me. My context and my perspective to "desire" was to be in the house of God rather than feeling obligated by routine, expectations, and normalcy. I had no need to be in charge.. just a desire to lift my voice along with others...

Who defines normal for you?
What does normal mean to you in your daily actions?
What is normal in your relationship with God?
How is that different from your committment and dedication to your church?
What are the normal things about your family?
What is normal in your relationships with friends?
What are normal expectations of the "other people" in your life?

Family News:
Tracee continues to improve. Our life has some order to it.. even if just a little..

I am..

what flavor pocky are you?

[c] sugardew

I'm going back to high school!

...well kind of. Ok so you know I dropped my Lakota language class. Well my friend teaches it at a high school...sooo...she said I can sit on her course! Isn't that great! I feel so old though, but ironically no one has said anything (must be all that water and vitamin C I take). :-)
So in any case, that's going well, I learned a lot in her class already. I need to get a window for my car, tags, groceries. I have a million things to do, oh I also kind of have a stalker but more on that later once I put an end to that. I'm so busy, I have barely enough time to blog!! And I really need to, it's a good release. Ok this weekend is St. Joes Powwow, so I'm going to that. NO work, no studying, just me on the rez at the powwow, I'm looking forward to it. Did I mention I'm smoking again? I am. Like since I drove back to CA with my Aunt Lee and she smoked me out all the way so now I'm like a smoker again!! I enjoy it though, so I don't even bother to try and quit right now. You know, if you don't want to quit, you won't.
I got pulled over yesterday by the cutest cop (here the rambling begins) and he let me go! See I had expired tags unbeknownst to me though, but he remembers when he was a college student and how much a citation like that would have hurt him financially, so he was really cool and I got no ticket. Of course now I'm trying to find my cousin so she can help me get the tags. Did anyone see Supernatural last night? I meant to but I was listening to my music CD for music class and I think I'm beginning to like classical music, or maybe just the stuff I'm listening to, I'm not sure. In any case I really wanted to see that show but I just never really get time to watch TV much anymore, which I guess is a good thing. Ok I have to stop and call about a window for my car, track down my cousin and do all this paperwork on my desk because I guess I need to earn a living no matter how busy I am. Oh and eat some top ramen.
later!

Obligations

It is Sunday morning, and we should be in church right now... except, Tracee doesn't want to go, her mother wouldn't even imagine going, and my mom and dad just left after their quick visit.. All of this combined... we are not going... We are deviating from the norm... at least as defined by our recent history...

"Normal"
1 a. according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle
b. conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern
2 occurring naturally and not because of disease, inoculation, or any experimental treatment
3 a. of, relating to, or characterized by average intelligence or development
b. free from mental disorder
c. characterized by balanced well-integrated functioning of the organism as a whole
4 a of a solution, having a concentration of one gram equivalent of solute per liter b. containing neither basic hydrogen nor acid hydrogen
c. not associated
d. having a straight-chain structure
Merriam-Webster's Medical Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc

What does normal mean to you? What are your expectations of yourself and others? What is "normal" defines much of our context in interacting with our world.. I am hopeful that some of you will answer with ideas re: these areas
1. HOME/FAMILY
2. FRIENDS
3. WORK
4. CHURCH
5. GOD


Family news:
Tracee is feeling better(at least some) and we are beginning to adjust to the reality of our new life. The testing and injections are not the norm yet, but they will become that way in the near future. Relationships with neighbors and friends at HRBC are strengthening...what a blessing. Our support community is playing a major role in Tracee's recovery.. Strength is returning.. to all of us... As the shock of the past two weeks fades into memory, we are able to look forward to the future.. It will be exciting to see what God has in store...

Disillusioned but searching

I am pretty disillusioned by most churches these days, even HRBC to a certain extent. What those few folks did to me at Branch's was just the icing on the cake...I'm not blaming, more like taking ownership of my role in all of it.. I am struggling to find the importance of what I have to offer these days, versus the potential damage to my family.. The risk seems so great...but I am trying to be true to my calling.. No answers on how to proceed yet. Time will tell.

I want a new way to do worship and missions where liturgy, and beauty matter more, but people are still focused on helping one another- focused outward on impacting their communities, not their churches... I no longer believe in the mechanism of the church that I have grown up in.. but it is the best out there until a newer model comes of age. Talking with Mclaren last week was enlightening... I am not sure he and his team are any further along than I am in my thinking.. Only difference is his last 20 years were rooted in a Willow Creek model.. and mine in more traditional Baptist churches.. We are both seeking a new way/approach.. Blah blah blah..talk is cheap... I know... when I have something more tangible, I will try it... community is the key.. building layered communities that overlap contexts and support one another...

For me, life outside of church leadership is strangely empty.. but before I return to it, I have be sure that I am not acting on some self-aggrandizing motive, and that I have nothing to prove to anyone but God... tough for someone like me. The allure of a platform to preach from, and musicians to teach and encourage is so enticing... Question is whether the attraction is about me, or about God..

I think I know the answer, I just want to be sure.

Tracee and I have several ideas.. We have definite plans to start a next generation arts school(cool stuff, pretty cutting edge if it works), begin a semi professional vocal ensemble, and maybe even start a church sometime in the future. All big talk, but something is definitely on the edge of breaking out. She is more excited than I am about most of this.. I am spending a lot of time investing in people around me, and thinking about what our next base of operations needs to look like. I am sure that there is a plan, I'm just not sure God will tell me what it is.. ;)

As far as working in a local church right now... I know I can do the jobs around here.. question is whether I should..for now.. we plan to become contributing members of our local "church - base of ops" and see how we can do the most good for God, not for the church..

Kingdom work is the goal.. the action plan will vary according to the purpose God reveals...and the story is constantly changing and evolving... there is no correct answer ... there is just a story which we are all a part of... we all play our part on the stage...

I need more time...

...there is not enough hours in the day. Between work and school and studying and trying to find time to walk and exercise, it's just not working. Ok what I need is an exercise bike, in my office, with a direct connection via TV...to my classes. I'd be set! I did clean my apartment yesterday though, I had to...flies. Nuff said. Anyways so that made me feel good and I didn't study AT ALL yesterday but I did do cleaning...so technically I'm still owed a ME day. This weekend in additon to work, homework and studying I'm supposed to go to a bbq that my friend is having. I missed her last one because I was studying so I "promised" her I'd make time for her this weekend. Should be an interesting bbq. Ok my co-worker just came up to me and said she had released a spider outside the size of a silver dollar! ugh! I hate spiders! I told her she should have killed it, I would have. Sorry, I know it's wrong, especially in my culture because Inktomi (the Jokester) often comes to you as a spider and you are soooo not supposed to kill them, but I do. A lot. Which probably explains my life and events. :-)
Oh yea, I dropped my Lakota language class. I mean this prof. had no syllabus, she didn't want us taking notes and there was no text book. She just expected us to learn through osmosis I guess, hell if I know. Anyways, if I'm already behind in my "self paced" math class...how on earth does she think I will learn a language with no notes, textbook or basically any direction! *sigh*
Ok, time to do some work...I'm going to try and do a quote a day, I dunno why...just play along with me, I'm trying be inspired!
This is from a country and western song ('cause I'm so country now)it's called "get right with the man" by Van Zant. Anywho...the quote is: "if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans..."
I like that. Ok I'm outtie.
later

Crisis followup..

Fog seems to be lifting.. I am sick now, but thankfully it is only a return of the dreaded stomach bug and I can handle it. Tracee has managed her test and medications well today and seems are a bit more normal, at least on the surface.

It feels like there is some sort of giant elephant in the room that we are ignoring... Not sure I can put my finger on it exactly.

What is normal these days..? Home, friends, work, church..
Home: state of total confusion..
Friends: thank God they are there.. but I miss so many folks from Branch's and it is hard to stay in touch with people.. hard to define a baseline context for many of the more distant relationships.
Work: going great, I am motivated and trying hard, our teams are succeeding and we have strong support.. good to still have a job in today's climate
Church: We want to plug in more at HRBC but that seems to be relevant only to my relationship with Philip and Bert.. Is that selfish? maybe.. but true nonetheless. Got a wonderful letter from Randy.. that is one friendship related to church that we plan on nurturing.. what a neat guy. Kids will start wed night programs next week so we will go back into the "swing"... maybe that will help.

Meals being delivered are making a huge difference, but man it is hard to just accept help.. I guess I am too proud all around.

Prayers seem to be working all around. Maybe we can be in some sort or routine by the weekend...

School is here...

...and it's kicking my ass. I have one graduate course this semester (International Business) and it's taking a lot of my time, I have an internet math course in which I have YET to crack the book. The sad thing with that is that it's "self paced" okayyy...we all know the pace I tend to take if left to my own devices. In any case, this weekend I will study the hell out of math. I'm in school Tuesday and Thursdays, work three days a week here and also Saturdays. My friend wants to join a gym with me and I'm thinking...when will I have the time??
I'm slowly getting adjusted and trying to tighten up my study habits, it'll be easier as we progress in to Winter and the weather gets cooler. Other than that, not a whole lot going on. My electricity did get turned back on, caught up on my rent and gas and life is good. :-)
late

Crisis

Family emergencies have a way of "making or breaking" everyone. In the past week, I would suggest that we have done a bit of both.. story goes like this...

Entire family was sequentially sick with some sort of stomach bug.. causing diarhea and vomiting.. it was bad but really not all that uncommon for a family of our size..so we didn't think so much of it.

When Tracee got the bug it was right before my trip so we figured it was okay.. been here, done this.. was what we thought. I went ahead and left... Unknown to us, was the fact that Tracee's blood sugar levels had been in a dangerous range for months hampering her at every turn.. When the "bug" hit.. Tracee quickly deteriorated into dehydration, and became dangerously lethargic.. once again our collective collossal ignorance played out and the thinking was that this will pass.. we just did too much this past weekend and need to rest. Tracee's penchant for demonstrating her "supermomness" causes problems in situations like this, but luckily Tara came to the rescue..

Tracee tries to go the dr only to find that the entire practice is in Louisiana for hurricane relief... sooooo, Tracee goes to patient first.. they immediately send her to the hospital..
and the "KNOWN" part of the crisis begins.

Tara leaves me one of those chilling voicemails... our neighbors swung into action with the prillaman 4 kids... and Tara took Tracee along with her 3 children to the hospital emergency room, where Tracee was immediately diagnosed in serious to critical condition... I pick up the voicemail, call Tracee and rush back to Richmond. Upon my arrival, Tracee is basically non-responsive and barely awake in the emergency bed, but she is receiving fluids, and being monitored. Kids are at Cindy's, and Tara is still at the hospital with her 3 kids.. She agrees to go back to the house and to stay the night with the kids, since I need to stay with Tracee..

Tracee is diagnosed with Diabetic Ketoacidosis and admitted.. no thanks to the general poor attention and care of the ER doctor. I wanted to put the guy through a wall, but for more on that you need to talk to me..

The complication here is that Tracee presented like a Type 1 diabetic but she was actually a Type II in crisis. Tracee's sugar levels took 4 days to even think of stabilizing, and all the while the "bug" is still wrecking her system. She didn't eat at all for over a week, and the dehydration was very difficult to handle due to her inability to hold down any foods or the fluids..

put this into perspective.. in only 4 weeks, we estimate Tracee lost about 30 pounds.. trust me, this is not the way to do it.

Tara stayed with the kids for 2 nights.. she was probably the glue that kept things at least manageable in those early hours along with our neighbors Cindy and Pam.. I shudder to think what I would have done without them.. Thank you Lord for putting these people into my life. Tracee's mother and sister came down from NJ to help through the weekend, and while that was stressful in its own right, it was nice to have them here.. Her mother will be staying for a couple of weeks and that is a huge help..

Jump to yesterday... We finally got the sugar levels to come under 200 and she was discharged..BTW.. the correct range should be 80-120...

Tracee is insulin dependant requiring testing 3 times a day and injections 4 times a day, but we are learning to deal with it... In a week or two we should know what teh baseline is and how to adjust for diet and activity.. This is very complex and very dangerous..

Pray for us...Tracee is weak and recovering from the hospital, but she is coming back quickly.. I have a lot more to write about.. with this, but it will take some time... moral of the story.. People are all that matter... building community is the key to a solid foundation.. All the stuff in teh world is insignificant... it can all be replaced. People and relationships cannot.

Many have asked us how we are... the answer.. we are not dead.. we are alive, so it is time to start acting like it...everyone has problems and hurdles...the game is to simply deal with them and push on...

Questions, no answers

Lately, I have a lot more questions than answers... I sang at Monument Heights Baptist this AM at the invitation of Randy Clipp and it was wonderfully refreshing. Tracee and I both remarked at how comfortable it felt although we really knew almost noone in that congregation. The urge to seek out a new congregation to serve is overwhelming, but my instinct tells me that it is not the correct time just yet. Monument Heights seems to be doing so much right...Is that a church model that provides a template for the type of place that Tracee and I could step in?
If I am right about my ministry being centered around my singing... How does that fit into a new congregational music ministry.. ?
What is it about HRBC that seems to keep us from totally "connecting"? The Sunday school class is great, and the preaching is wonderful, but something is missing in relationships with the other musicians....What is it?
In a new "emerging" church model, how do I fit my traditional experience in and help to get people "on fire" for impacting their community.. not just building their church...? Am I assuming too much responsibility here..should I be just stepping back and allowing the holy spirit to work through me and the church...
What role does Tracee's passion for working with children, families and music play into this mix...?
Do we have to find a church where we can both be on staff?
Do I have to be a leader to be effective and fulfill my calling? how about Tracee?
How does the baptism by the holy spirit versus redemption come into play?..that theme continues to reoccur in life, sermons and sunday school conversations, not to mention my readings.
Can a Baptist church have a real arts program dedicated to excellence in the arts and music, or will the historic tradition always lend itself to being just "good enough"? Translate that last one to.. Should we just give up on our Baptist heritage and seek a music position in a Presbyterian or Methodist congregation..?

If you are reading this blog regularly and have any ideas about "answers" please take a few minutes and write down your thoughts.. It would be tremendously helpful to us.
How do you answer these questions for yourself?

In the dark...

...can you believe I got my electricity turned off?? Yes, I did. See I was supposed to pay it on the 1st of August, but I was in California at the time. When I got back and found out I wasn't going to get paid for the two weeks I was gone, well that sent me into a panic and I just totally forgot about the electricity arrangement. So I get a notice in the mail that I have a certified letter, and I put it on my shelf with all my other mail and promptly forget about it. Well yesterday I went home at lunch and noticed my power was off. Nothing new, they are working on the poles down the alley from me. So I'm walking out and I notice the notice for the 100th time. So I pick it up and stick it in my pocket because I actually have to go to the Post Office for work anyways. Well I get there and I notice it's from BHP. Black Hills Power...oh oh, coincidence?? I think not. Sure enough I missed the deadline by 5 days! So of course I'm furious at myself for being lazy but what can I do, that's me. IN any case, I have a great reason to go kick it at The Rail with my friends now :-).
It should get turned back on tomorrow.
Oh and one more thing...HAPPY BIRTHDAY CUZ!!!
hugz to all

Recovery

Large parties can be accomplished... True, we had more folks than we had originally anticipated, but even with a group of 90-100 the event yesterday went off wonderfully. It was a privilege to to get to see so many friends and hopefully, the neighbors won't vote us "off the island"

Memories I want to remember..
1. Cars everywhere.. up and down both sides of the street.
2. Huge choir surrounding me and singing Happy B'day.. what a blessing.
3. Lloyd and Charles sitting at the table talking..the LSMF VIP table in the kitchen
4. HOT HOT HOT.. even in the shade, it was sweltering.. but people came anyway..
5. Talking about XML and server options with Bob and George..
6. Graham's comment.. "well it was going to be hot, no matter where I was.. might as well come over here and be hot with people I like"
7. Diversity of the food, from Scotch eggs, to egg rolls, to macaroni and cheese, to pasta dishes, to deviled eggs, to potato salad, fried chicken... ALL GREAT...
8. Tara typing on the computer as we tried to get a mail merge to work printing name labels..
9. Talking about the fence with Lance
10. John putting in the horseshoe stakes.. which noone played with because it was too hot...
11. Terry making the hotdogs in the kitchen...
12. Mr D carrying the cake...
13. Kish's showing up "right on Kish time", and the goodbye hug from Nathan...
14. Hugs from everyone in general.. dry and sweaty ones..
15. James being chased around the house by naked Barbie dolls.. "loved his hair.."
16. Talking to Joe about returns at the Lowes.. always takes 2-3 trips, and he says it is easier when wearing a police uniform..
17. Hangin with the "Croakers".. gotta love typos like that
18. Firesheets' neighborhood tour on the way to the house.. the entire neighborhood..
19. Jerry missed singing Happy B'day..guess we need a personal engagement for that one.
20. Andy rocking Emily in the sun room, please go to sleep.. please
21. The luxury, reclining, fold up lawn chair that Captain Ford sat in.. everybody wants one of those.

We feel truly blessed.. and to think we still have so many folks we would like to see.. those reunions are for the days ahead.. No reason to live in the past..

Live for the future that God provides.. plans to prosper us, not harm us.

Sunrise

Couldn't sleep.. Today is the day of our big party... Feels like we are starting our "new" life. Funny we have been starting for 6 months now, but somehow assembling friends, family, neighbors, and even coworkers in a big celebration setting may provide the context for moving ahead. I am reforming my community and beginning to assemble my own base of operations to move out into the larger regional community and make a difference.

Pray for us that we can find the right pace to maintain family, but be true to our ministry calling to bear witness to the world of God's love for us.

My adrenaline is so high.. I feel like a kid on Christmas morning.. I really can't wait to see all of the folks from Branch's and just help in connecting people. This is what I love..

Thank you Lord for allowing me to wake up today!

It's official...

...I am now registered for college. Finally, I moved back here to go to school and almost a year later, it's finally happening. My classes are Lakota 1, Music Appreciation (my fluff class), International Business and Algebra. It seems kind of like a lot, so we shall see how it goes. I went to the campus yesterday and did my orientation and all that. So I only have about a week of fun before classes start then it's time to hit the books and get this shit over with.
Today is kind of chilly, over cast with the sun peeking through at times. I really like the weather here. That's all I have to Blog today, I'm working to catch up on a lot stuff that came up while I was in CA.
Laterz

Surprise

Tracee pulled it off.. a whole weekend, where I didn't know what was coming.. a special b'day present away from the kids.. only word is WOW.. First we drove for what seemed like forever.. then had a great time with friends(Ang and David) north of Baltimore.. then dinner at the ESPNZone in Baltimore..food was okay, games were pricey, but the fellowship with friends was priceless... Then we split up and went to the hotel...pool water was too cold, but the hot tub was nice...

Got up Sunday AM to find that we were going to worship at Cedar Ridge Community Church, this is the church where Brian Mclaren is pastor.. I got to meet and talk with Brian about his ministry and mine.. and then we took his Worship pastor Jimi Calhoun to lunch.. What a treat, his wife Julain came, as well as 2 friends... Eric and Wendy.. It was wonderfully validating to hear others who think like I do.. Thank You Jimi, Julain, Eric, and Wendy.

Most of all thanks to Tracee for a great weekend.. Click here for some proof.. we actually did leave the kids for the weekend, and we really did meet Brian Mclaren

Action: they all seemed to think that we(Tracee and I) need to start a church...I am still not so sure about that one, but it is hard to argue with so many great mentors. Regardless.. the best advice was to be true to self... seek what I am great at.. use it to further what I am good at, and Most Importantly

Bear Witness to God's love and impact on my life.. Tell my story.. the good parts and the bad.

BTW.. any of you wondering... Brian Mclaren is the real deal.. not arrogant, not ego driven, He is a humble servant of God..seeking to use who he is to make a difference in the world around him. Cedar Ridge is a testament to God, NOT to Brian..

Summary...
1. Even Type A personalities can be surprised, and have a lot of fun when they have no control..
2. Tell your stories to your kids.. successes and failures.. they need to hear both.

New Books to read: Will our children have faith? John Westerhoff

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY...

...I'm the big XX this year, I can't believe it. I'M OLD!! It's finally happened, I'm like what the kids on skateboards are talking about! Pretty soon I'll be clipping coupons and eating dinner at 4pm in time to watch Roseanne on TNT before I retire at 8pm!! *gasp* what if I call someone Sonny!! or worse, someone calls me an old fogey...do people even use those terms anymore? Not to mention that being a gay man AND old, is like a double strike. I'm officialy a troll! ugh! am I? no I think that's 50...40? Well I'm close enough! Pretty soon young guys will be hitting me on thinking I'm a sugar daddy! Well they got a surprise coming.
In addition to my birthday, school is also on the horizon for me, I'm very excited about that. Fall is approaching our lovely state and the season will soon be changing. I'm content.
OH yeah, I forgot to mention in my last blog that at the Rally, I saw a woman taking pics on different bikes with her hoo hoo showing!! OH my.
Well my co-workers are calling me for cake, so I best get to eating!
Oh my birthday goal (kind of like a new years) is to get in shape for next summer. That is my goal, so pretty soon my blogs will be angry and hateful as I withdraw from beer, cigs and food that's bad for me!! But then I'm hoping after the first 10lbs are gone, I will be just one BIG RAY OF SUNSHINE...again!
;-)

What a hectic three weeks

...I'm not sure where I could even start. In a sad sad circumstance I went back to California two weeks ago. One of my cousins passed away while some of my other cousins were here in S. Dakota on vacation. It was a really hard trip back. I'm glad that I went though, I felt I needed to be there.
Trying to get back here was insane! Reno had their hot august nights going on this weekend and my bus was always full or late and it just sucked. So I ended up driving back with my brother, we made it in 22 hours. Ugh! I was so tired when I got back, but I'm glad to be home. California is not for me anymore, I was depressed being back there, it's hot and dirty and to many people. I don't know, I mean I lived there for years and I liked it well enough, but being here is so much more... cleaner? laid back? yes I think I would have to use those terms. There is no place like Cali though, that I will admit.
I'm back now, work is chugging away, I'm waiting to register for school next week. Life moves on and I'm moving with it I guess. I went to the Sturgis Rally where there are like a bazillion motorcycles (and yet very few hot men) although if you want to see an older biker chick in a thong, Sturgis is the place to be this week. Although don't expect anything like the models in Low Rider magazine :-)
Oh yeah, my birthday is this week also, I'm so not even excited, no money to do anything. Oh well, just another day.
Until later
p-)

Context, Perspective, Action

I am sticking with my thinking that community is the key to revolutionizing our culture and society for the better. In my experience, that starts with family...plus we had a family reunion this weekend. Interesting thing this year, was my host of emotions.. I was really glad to see everyone, but I realized how little I know about most of them.. even the closest relatives.

Relationships are predicated on context and perspective associated with purpose and action. I grew up with my cousins, we spent time together all the time, but I barely know them. We mostly have kids now, or are married, or graduating/graduated from college.. all of that provides context, but even in a reunion setting, it is hard to actually learn about one another's lives.

Far easier to give the cursory hugs, whether I remember your name or not...smile and laugh and then go about my business of my "regular" life. Kind of the way we mostly do church these days. As long as we make an appearance, and do what is expected, we don't have to really give of ourselves.

People are messy.. I don't like all of my family members, I am proud of some, ashamed of some, irritated with some, want help from some, desire affirmation from some, and desperately want to be closer to most all of them.. but in our world... Maybe they feel that way, maybe they don't...

My call is to simply love them as they are, understanding the context and perspective of our relationships, and take action to bring my life and my family closer to theirs.. When I am rejected, it is also my job to keep on trying and not get depressed about the "rejection".. If I remember the context and perspectives of our conversations and relationships.. most of my family members are probably feeling exactly like me..

not sure how to really connect anymore...
not always willing to risk exposing their failures and flaws...
not sure that I'll actually still want to be around them...
not sure if our relationship even warrants enough priority to pursue..

People are the MOST IMPORTANT thing...
1. work to build contexts for regular interaction. (parties, dinner, work)this is decidedly non-trivial and requires real work, committment, and time...
2. be aware of different perspectives(we are all at different places in our days, weeks, family development, careers, lives) judging is a waste of time in the end.

ideas.. maybe turn the TV off and call a friend or family member every week a couple of times.. ask about their lives, days, etc.. don't depend on email.. make a plan to reach out to family and friends.. and then DO IT!

if we build communities when we don't need them, then they will be there when we do need them... and I believe that eventually we will all end up in a situation where we need friends and family.. and a "community" or maybe a bunch of them...

Community

Community: a unified body of individuals: as
a : the people with common interests living in a particular area; broadly : the area itself (the problems of a large community)
b : an interacting population of various kinds of individuals (as species) in a common location c : a group of people with a common characteristic or interest living together within a larger society (a community of retired persons)
Source: Merriam-Webster's Medical Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.


I read somewhere recently that what our society is missing these days is a sense of community. We do very little "together" compared to the generations only a few decades ago. I think the author was on to something here. Common activities provide context for us to get involved in each other's lives and thus become a key enabler to caring about one another. It is really hard for me to become personally involved in the lives of people I don't know....It doesn't matter whether they are here in Richmond or in Zambia.

Now.. If I sing in a choir with them, work with them, worship with them, live next door to them, That changes everything. Suddenly, I am less focused on me and more on them. We need to find things to do together. Identify our purposes and common activities and then focus our energy on finding others to do those things with.. singing, playing, building, etc.. Funny, kids do this naturally.. Most of the senior adults I know do it too.. but those of us in the "busy" stage of our lives seem to want to ignore people around us, family, friends, neighbors.. and focus on us.. That can't be right. We all know it, yet we go every day in some form of denial..I'll get to know them tomorrow, we can do something together next week, month, year.. until suddenly we don't really know anyone at all. We go through our days pretending that all of those people around us don't really exist...strange that we have convinced ourselves that this is okay. Deep down, we know that not caring is not the right thing.. but it is the safe thing. If I don't know you, you can't hurt me, I don't have to worry about helping you, blah blah blah... the idea that is supposed to make my life easier seems to create an awful lot of complexity. Simpler maybe to just help the people in front of me.. Trusting that they are "in my life" for a reason, maybe to work with, worship with, or just laugh with..

Getting to know people or at the very least "about people" is the key. Locally, I think that building more community and trying to maximize the number of things that people do together is a key focus of anyone in leadership.... I know, I know.. some of you are saying.. duh.. Where have I been for the last 50 years, there is nothing new here. True it may seem self evident and blatently obvious, but I don't think that we always see what is right in front of our face.

Question was asked in sunday school this morning.. We read the scriptures regularly, we even study them, but do we actually listen..the more I pursue this writing the more I am convicted that thinking and writing are not going to do much in the end, except serve as a self-aggrandizing, pseudo-therapy. The times that we live in call for action and change.

Tracee and I want to start a music school... to maybe even make that our sole vocation supporting both our performance aspirations and our family... lofty dreams, but we are already working on the business plan, it is not impossible... The arts are due for a revival as our society realizes that it is sorely in need of beauty.

We want others to experience the beauty, passion, and intensity that music, particularly classical music can provide. We may not be able to revive classical music as a whole, but if we can create musical communities, a whole series of little musical cells 8-15 kids and adults linked via a common purpose: the pursuit of beauty through music. Maybe, just maybe the Lord will grant us the opportunity to impact some lives and be witnesses for Christ in all that we do.

Time will be the cruel judge of how we do..as it is for all of us..

Vacation

Recital went great.. Week in the pool at mom and dad's house with the kids was a lot of fun. Different world is refreshing and troubling at the same time. I remember when that was all I knew.. Did I progress as I have matured, or did I just make my life more complex that it has to be... not sure on that one.. spending much time on it is probably a waste of energy..

It is important that we remember who we are and use the skills and blessings we have been provided.. NOT waste our energy trying to become what others think we should be.

Community is the key to impacting and helping people. We all depend on it...How can I use my music to create musical communities...WE have been thinking on this one all week.. more info to come.. when the time is right... ideas need to percolate...

In the mean time.. Charles and I are looking for recital venues.. We have a great program.. people love it, and we can do some good in our society by raising money for good causes.. call or email if you can help with providing a venue.

Pics from the week are here: click away

Vacation...

...my cousins from California have been here the last few days and we had a great time at my Uncle's memorial yesterday. It was really great to visit everyone. We had to drive on this dirt road like 5 miles to find the place where my Uncles ashes were scattered, it was a lot of fun. I had my Aunt's car and I must admit, I kind of drove it a "bit" rough :-)
It was fun!! going through mudholes and water and just spinning out. :-)
Now it's back to reality though, back at work and phones ringing and emails coming and people bugging me to do stuff *sigh*. I'm hoping to see my cousin Dawn and my cousin Mel tomorrow. They are supposed to go to the Mammoth Sites in Hot Springs. Just in case, I'm taking tomorrow off! :-) well I mean, I requested it off anyways, if anything I can clean my apartment! It's a mess even I can't stand!
Maybe I'll read a book and just relax, that would be a nice vacation day also :-)

Final Preparations

Yet another recital prep week is now underway. Even for a "professional" the impact and anticipation leading up to a big performance can be overwhelming. I am excited and exhausted at the same time.

Emotions are on a rollercoaster. Stress seems to impact me more than normally..everything is a big deal. Sleep is disrupted, and physical fatigue is a factor. I don't really want to practice or even study, but the final prep work is the key to making the quality really exceptional. I know I should be doing more.. so I do some.. Will it be good enough? Will my voice and skill carry the honesty and message from my heart into the audience directly? Will they reject me or accept me?

It is such a privelege to sing for others. I get to join in something bigger than myself. Music reachs out and the souls of the audience rise up and merge with that of the singer in some sort of special dance. To look directly into the audience's eyes and sing to them takes passion, and intensity on a level rarely called for in other places in today's world.

For the first time in my career I am using my personal singing to try and directly impact a "local" ministry in a benefit. Charles and I are offering this recital as a gift not just to God, but we are hoping to help some folks in M'ville and Henry County through our talents and through the generosity of the audience. This may be among the biggest performances i have ever given... It is certainly a milestone. If you are the praying type, we would appreciate your prayers. If you would are reading this from a location within driving distance of M'ville VA, then I hope you will come on Friday night.

One thing is for certain.. I can't fix the world, but hopefully by performing on Friday night, we can make a difference for a few people that we don't know, and maybe , just maybe, God will bless this offering and example and use it to renew the spirits of many around the world, to try and do something.

Random acts of kindness, without expectation for reward, are the key to delivering on God's plan. What seems random to us, is not random to him. Concurrent diversity drives us towards God size goals. We cannot achieve them alone, but together, each doing our part, great things can be done.

"And this we know in the journey of life. Whether green rolling hills, or the deserts bare and dry. In all things God works for our good, for those who love the Lord."
--from composition by Lloyd Larson set paraphrasing Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

I'm going shopping!..

...well kinda, today is payday and for the first time in 5, yes count them 5 weeks, I will actually have some extra money to spend! Not a lot mind you, but I can get that toilet brush I've had my eye on, and even some groceries!! woo hoo! I'm so excited~! Ok I've even made a shoppng list: Toilet brush, nails and hammer, spatula with a metal handle (as opposed to plastic because mine bends all the time), shampoo...ok it's not the most exciting list, but it's mine!! I'm also going to buy an Air Conditioner to put in my window, which brings me to my dilema. How the heck do I install it? how do I get it up the stairs? granted my arm is doing MUCH better, I'm not sure about hauling an A/C up my stairs. Also I'm so paranoid that once I install it's going to fall out my window and kill somebody!! Can you imagaine? Plus I have these really odd shaped windows complete with storm screens, and I'm don't know how to get that out. All I know is I can do it, I have AMAZED myself since moving to South Dakota. Ok I'm not out slaughtering pigs and mending barbwire fences, but I have tackled some difficult tasks. Like a day after I busted my shoulder up I had to put together this stand up fan, with one arm. It took me an hour but I did it. It was a cool fan, not the round kind but the cylindrical kind. I ended up taking it back and getting the money (about $45.00) and putting in gas :-)
So all in all, I'm excited...'cause I get to shop. Dollar store or not, I'm out there! woo hoo!

And the Dr. said...

...I don't have to wear the immobilizer anymore! woo hoo! but it will take like 6 months before I'm fully healed and another six weeks before my fracture heals, but I don't have to go back and I don't need physical therapy. So my summer is ready to go! I just have to baby it a little bit, no problem there. It feels so good not wearing that thing, I mean that was hot to wear! It added like 15 degrees to my already natural body heat!! So anyways, that's my news for the day. :-)

Relevance

Relevant: Having a bearing on or connection with the matter at hand
Jeff's take on that definition: To be relevant, you must matter, make a difference, influence, impact, be a part of either sustaining or improving things.

I have been talking a lot about how to make the church relevant in today's culture. I clearly think that God does matter and that the church is and can be a powerful tool in impacting peoples' lives. The church accomplishes its ordained purpose through people. By creating a community, we are empowered to worship, to encourage one another, to grow, to question and to learn. This is like a drug...what was a powerful tool for assisting in pain management, or recovery, can quickly be abused and become the problem itself if the user isn't careful.

A lot of churchgoers are addicted to church, and have lost sight of their purpose. Ask them why they go to church, and how God helps them to impact their world around them... Most will stutter, then come back with a rote answer about being saved from hell, and that God is everything to them. Both answers are correct, but they are abstract in their essence. If people can answer with details about the relevance of God in their lives, other people around them will listen the Holy Spirit will work powerfully through them.

The church enables members, and believers to bear witness to God's impact/relevance in their lives. It assists in the strengthening and renewal of God's people, but it must not become the end goal. The church must be a base from which we operate to accomplish our mission/purpose in the world.

We must bear witness wherever we are, we must honestly accept who we are and by definition then, who we are not. Relevance is a tricky thing to qualify.

God is relevant to our culture, whether most people know it or not. I think my job is to help people around me understand that relevance both through my own ability to sing and make music, and through my ability to lead others and teach them to bear witness.

We have lost track of a sense of community in our world. We do few things together. The church has an opportunity here. We can bear witness through building community. I/we need to get better at telling people how great it is to be a "part of the Kingdom", not judging them for their free choice to pursue spirituality through other channels. Maybe those recreation centers churches are building have more power than I previously thought. The trick may be to find a way to open them up as a gathering point for everyone...

Use the BASE to reach out and bear witness wherever we are, simply doing our job which is to explain how God is relevant in our lives.

Ahh...so much better

...well I have like 85% movement in my arm/shoulder so I can type with two hands now! Yippee!! You so take things for granted until you have one arm to work with, and I'm not talking like picking your nose while driving, I mean like cooking and bathing and shit. So I go back to the Dr. on Tuesday and I'm hoping he tells me I'm cured and to start physical therapy (which I kind of started on my own, you know the go-getter I am.) :-)
Well the problem is, I have a fracture in my arm bone, and it's only been 4 weeks (to the day actually) and doesn't it take longer than that for bone to heal? So my thing is, if they still want me to wear this sling, forget it. They are going to have to put a cast on my arm, because I keep taking this thing off! and I know I will continue to do so, so plaster me up!!
Other than that NOTHING has really been happening, except for this horrific HOT weather. I'll keep ya updated!

Walking the walk, not just talk

Life lately has been pretty simple. Vacation was about traveling, seeing friends, singing and then returning home. When we are home, I have either been at work, or working on the new fence since Father's Day weekend.. Surprising how quickly time passed with so little thinking.

I haven't posted much, because I haven't had anything worth saying... I know, I know.. most of you that actually know me are laughing right now. That is rare. Thing that has struck me is that maybe I and everyone else am thinking too hard. Maybe life is supposed to be more about doing and less about thinking.

I am a strategist, visionary type but I am also a performer and a doer. Since I left Branch's I have struggled to figure out what I am supposed to DO...I have been in a constant "state of funk"... hard to really accomplish anything significant.

I think I am supposed to just be me. The musician, dad, technology analyst, project manager guy who finds ways to get stuff done. Little things, short, small conversations do matter. The trick is to have something to do. Last week in Montreat, Tracee and I had a great conversation with friends about where all the "problem" are in the church today. Man, that is easy to do... Soooo much harder to actually change even one person. I have checked out of the "real" game lately. Please pray for an opportunity to go back in for us..

Thought for the day: Let God handle the God-size problems.. as for me... We are going to be the musicians and leaders God made us to be. I am going to continue to sing wherever I can find an audience. We are going to try and be salt and light to everyone around us. "New Kinds of Christians"

Ministry is about one on one relationships and I need more of those. Mass media are important, internet, news, tv, etc.. but in the end... what matters is what I have done for and with the people I have directly contacted. I need to find a choir, I need to sing on a higher level, and I need to find a better way to fulfill my higher calling than just waking up every day. That interim pastor at Branch's did some damage to my family, but I am allowing him to have far more impact than he deserves. Cecil once told me that I needed to "get happy".. there was something to that advice. I control how I am.. noone else. I want to be that happy guy who had more work than he could handle last year...

I am not out of my funk yet, but I am getting there. Life is a box of chocolates.. you never know what you are gonna get... just think, you have to bite in to find the good ones and the bad.. and in the end.. even the bad ones are good!

Thank you to everyone who cares about us. Know that we care for you as much or even more.

James 1:17-25 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.

But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it — he will be blessed in what he does.