Moving back home...

...I think. I've decided that I'm a shallow person who is materialistic and want's pretty shiny things. That's why I want to move back to California, I want to move back, get a decent job and buy me a new pair of shoes, maybe some pants...and a DVD/VCR player. That's what I want. I've been here over a year, I'm content, at peace and basically life is grand...I just want nice things. I haven't adjusted to being poor, I can't budget anymore with what I make, and I just am not going to adjust to eating Ramen for the next three years. I tried. I can't do it. I am a quitter, I'm ok with that. I just want to move on and be able to afford the new Madonna CD when it comes out. If this makes me a bad person, then I don't want to be good. I thought I'd have like this spiritual awakening or something like that moving back here, to where I'm from. Not the case, if anything it reminded me of how I've moved on in so many ways from this place. It's not depressing, nor do I hate it. I just miss my family and I miss swiping my ATM card and not having to worry about whether that exttra .20 cents I paid for hair gel is going to affect me this week. So my plan? I have none, I just know that I will end up in California at some point within the year. Maybe at the end of this semester, maybe next semester. I'm not going to give myself a deadline, it'll just happen when it happens. :-)
We shall see.

Forecast

My whole life seems to be consumed with looking and planning for the future these days. Resource and organizational changes are creating a good opportunity for me to grow and develop at work.. Almost all of our project and team successes are a function of our ability to accurately estimate and forecast for the future.

Good forecasts are completed at the appropriate level.. not too high, not too detailed, and for the appropriate time frame. Life is like that...

Wasn't able to go to choir practice last couple of weeks... not performing and leading in a musical outlet makes me feel terrible.. prone to mood swings, compulsive work habits... I am hopeful that some opportunities to make music will present themselves soon. I need that creative outlet..

Another forecast: Somehow, I need to find the right balance between obligations to family and the need to earn money, serving others, and serving myself... To be successful in the first two.. I have to put more focus on the third...

Funny quote from Steve Martin's movie Parenthood - "women have choices, men just have obligations" .. true or not, maybe the reality is more a function of choice not predestination.

The journey is the goal

I have created a world for myself that is filled with objectives. Get this, win, learn enough, become wise, don't mess up... and a myriad of others that are the "stuff" of my days, every day.

Today... it is clear to me. My revelation is that there is no revelation...in my many contexts.. I can't find the answers because I am asking the wrong questions.

The final answer is a fluid moving texture built of individuals and their love for one another... as directed and intended by God who loved us all first. We are all first born of God. It is not possible to us to love one another enough or too much. We are called to simply love..not only for today, or yesterday, but forever and more importantly, in every second of every day.

Pursuing Vital Ministry and the Emerging Future Story... for me is a call to tangible social action which demonstrates God's love for all of us.. through our love for one another. My new goal is to figure out how I do it just so I can get better at it...I am a musician, so I will make music. I am a father and husband, so I will parent. I am a worker so I will work. Most of all, I am a human being, made in my father's image, so... I will love him by loving others.

Each of us loves differently.. because we are all different. Ultimately.. the important thing is that we all matter. Our story is about who we are, who we come from, who we love, who loves us and how we accomplish this.. "Who's your daddy?" It is not about the accomplishments, but rather the accomplishing.. the actions are our evidence... We don't need credit.. certainly not human credit. We just need to put our heart in the right place.. and keep on keeping on..

For some of you reading this.. I am stating the obvious... maybe so, but I don't think it was so obvious to me until today.. I guess I am just slow like that.

People are all that matter.. all people... all the time... I hope that I can get better at the journey without focusing so much on where I am going...I am learning to write a story even when I don't know what the last chapter means... Revelations are like that.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
1Cor. 13:1-13

Beacon

Beacon is the word that repeatedly returns to my daily world through multiple paths.. God is telling me something.. so here is the first pass at talking about it.

Beacon:
1. A signaling or guiding device, such as a lighthouse, located on a coast.
2. A radio transmitter that emits a characteristic guidance signal for aircraft.
3. A source of guidance or inspiration.
4. A signal fire, especially one used to warn of an enemy's approach

I noticed the active and passive functions associated with being a beacon. I think that I am being called along with all Christians to be a beacon in our world. That means it is okay to be distinctive.. not separatist.. but distinctive.. It is important that I know what my "signal" is and that I seek out ways to broadcast.

I think of all the beacon activities I present for the world's consumption. Too many are negative.. I have slipped in my own personal standards in the last year or so. That is something I will work to correct. Who we are at our core..along with what we do and say does matter.. because others are always watching...

Another important thought is that a beacon doesn't have to be the final destination...just a checkpt along the journey. If we are all beacons for one another... all seeking a path.. The journey becomes easier, and the path is well lit for others to follow...

One beacon is powerful, but a series is needed.. The song that comes to mind is so cliched.. but so poignant and clear in my mind..

"This little light of mine.. I'm gonna let it shine." The important thing is the light.. not the lamp.

I plan to stick with this idea and post more in the future..

Chapter

I spent the day today visiting a treasured mentor who will soon be absent from my workplace. While the loss of his presence in the workplace is significant and depressing on one level, I was mostly struck by the refreshingly "future focused" tenor of our conversations. For him, he is striking out into a completely new arena.. non-corporate...seeking personal fulfillment through further education and work in a field for which he has passion. He has purpose, focus, a plan, and the means to accomplish all of these things. The privilege of choice is a great blessing...

For Joe and I, it seemed as though there was some sort of graduation..I matured as a "corporate thinker/manager" under this man's tutelage and example. Over lunch today, we talked about legacy, relationships, goals and journeys. A chapter of our story is written, but the book has so much left to be written...I will focus my future on seeking a place to learn which also provides me an opportunity to contribute.

"Live the life we have been granted, live it to the fullest, and pay attention."

Bird Flu...

...Ok, why is Bird Flu all of a sudden an issue for humans? Hundreds of thousands of years of bird and man living together and no flu. All of a sudden we have bird flu, which could pass to humans which means we need to buy more drugs to save us. Do you see what's going on? I think the drug companies are "creating" viruses just so they could sell their product. No I am not a conspiracy freak either, it just seems you can't watch TV without 5 different drug commercials coming on pressuring you to "talk to your doctor". Ok the latest one, RLS, Restless Leg Syndrome...for real. I saw this comercial for people who shake their leg while sitting or watching tv, now there is help for them. GIVE ME A BREAK!! I guess I have RLS, but I'll be damned if I'm going to take a pill for it, besides it helps work off calories :-)
I'll just stick to taking my Vitamin C.

Rwanda Genocide

...I was reading this article about how the school where 50,000 Tutsis were killed in one day, was recently made into a memorial. All in all over 800,000 Tutsis were massacared. The UN, France, Belgium and the U.S. knew before hand the Genocide was going to take place by the Hutu people. Yet we didn't do anything, not one soldier was sent to Rwanda. I have never read anywhere that Sadam Hussein killed 800,000 of his people, maybe it's happened I don't know. I know he had tortured a lot of people who opposed his "regime". I know we "thought" he had Weapons of Mass Destruction, and I also know how rich his own country is in oil.
Maybe if the Tutsis people had WMD's or enormous oil fields we would have at least tried and to diplomatically stop the genocide.
Guess not.

Direction

Spent a lot of energy in the past 6 months focusing on singing for me. I think that is the wrong intention and despite the realization that singing, my singing, is at the core of my identity.. It can not become my sole focus. That is NOT who I am anymore.
I was that person and years ago chose a different route. No need to seek that direction again..Self-promotion and success as a performer are not the keys do defining my purpose, or fulfilling my call.
I actually turned down an opportunity to sing weekly at a local church for good money this past week.. Seemed to me that the impact on my family, not to mention the return to solo performing in church for money would have intensely negative consequences all around. but man... the extra paycheck would have been nice

There is something different for me here, in focusing on encouraging others to sing versus singing for them. Music ministry(as defined by Jeff) should have a healthy weighting on the former and while solo singing and my growth as a performer are important.. they are not central to my purpose and direction.

Building on a comment from an earlier post..

Encouragement and Service are central to my purpose and direction.. Some at church, some on stage, some at work, and some at family.. Success is defined by the mix and the journey.. not the destination/outcome.

Maintenance

Church was good today. Despite my general feeling of insignificant futility lately, when I am at church I feel like I am at my most effective. I am provided an opportunity to raise my voice bringing glory to God. This action is central to who I am. I decided to do some maintenance on my truck today. Normally, I would take it somewhere, but I thought maybe I could save a few buck...(jury is out on that one)

Goal was to change the oil, replace air and oil filters, replace wiper blades and replace my aging battery. While I was working diligently couple of things happened..
1. I determined that doing this sort of thing gives me a strong connection to my memories of the person that I used to be... At least as a kid.. the smells, the oil and dirt.. even the sweat all brings back intense memories of time spent with my father and grandfather. Even washing my hands afterwards flashes scenes in my brain of my grandfather washing his hands in the sink with dish soap.
2. I determined, that while this is who I used to be... That identity is really in the past. I am not so good at it these days. I spilled oil all over the place.. spent more time cleaning up than I did working.. I had all sorts of trouble just getting the oil filter off. But.. the actions were therapeutic.. so maybe there is more value to the actions than to the outcome.

Identity is intricately and intensely tied to our past, but it should be just as intricately and intensely tied to our future. That future is bright.. not because of anticipated future "successes" but because I know that God will take care of me and my family. My future has to be about sharing my "faith" in a story...as it is written. The early chapters of my book are written, but the future is blank and I have a part to play in how those pages are filled.

Free will allows me to choose to focus either on me, or on others. Making music and sharing my faith through that music is the central theme. Focusing on family and my personal faith journey provides me the context and foundation for success.. The corporate world and technology provide the context for interactions out of my comfort zone and utilize my skill sets most effectively for evangelism.

Each of us has decisions to make about our future.

Who is it that you want to be?

The Robert Kennedy quote from Raylene's testimony this morning struck a powerful chord for me... I know where I am in terms of these perspectives: Do you?

"There are those who look at things the way they are, and ask why... I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?"

While I was writing this, these add'l quotes from RK struck me as important. Click here to see more.

"Progress is a nice word. But change is its motivator. And change has its enemies."

"It is not enough to understand, or to see clearly. The future will be shaped in the arena of human activity, by those willing to commit their minds and their bodies to the task."

"Few will have the greatness to bend history itself; but each of us can work to change a small portion of events, and in the total; of all those acts will be written the history of this generation."


Quotes taken from brainyquote.com... Robert Kennedy

I know almost nothing about this man.. yet these few sentences impacted me profoundly. We should all be so focused on the future while learning from the past.

Good, Better, Best - no matter

The Prillaman way is somehow about seeking to be the best.. achieving success(lots of ways to define this).. then somehow changing plans before that success can grow into something that consumes me. I talk about focusing on others, I care about people, but deep down I wonder just how selfless those relationships are. This kind of thinking will really mess with your mind. Are my actions based on love for fellow man, on my call to ministry... or at a deeper level am I fulfilling some intense desire to please and impress those around me.. My initial reaction that reality-possibility is a sense of self-loathing,shallowness, and disgust.. but I think maybe this is at the crux of how the devil can take us off the path with such a little misdirection... Do we all go through this struggle as we mature?

Seeking success down a successional variety of paths... maybe that is what we are all supposed to do. Maybe I should be more content, but I have this deep seated passion to seek the "prize"... only my prize is so often the respect of others, power, money...My prize should be my relationship to God, a call to social action, a sense of identity built on a solid foundation which allows me to question openly and live in a questioning world.

I spin this tale about doing my best.. but actions speak. When given a choice, I seek to be the best as long as it doesn't compromise my family. That is the only thing that seems to trump this intense passion for the competition. My desire to WIN overrides everything except family.

To win.. at work to get the promotion-power-money-respect, on the stage to be able to use my voice and skill to lead others-touch their souls-share who I am at my core, in my community by being liked and popular and in the family by seeking to be super dad..

Ultimately, the burden is too much for any man to bear. The first monologue I ever memorized sums it up...

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side,
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

William Shakespeare from "As you like it"

The melodrama of our story is real..consequences painful. Our children and family pay the price for our vain misguided sense of accomplishment..

Lord, help me to focus my senses and skills on seeking your will and bending to your rod.

It's pouring outside...

...like the Ark type of storm!! We are supposed to get snow tonight also, so that will be nice to wake up to a wintery wonderland. Hopefully it will stay on the ground for awhile, we could use the moisture. I have nothing of interest to report on, school is good and work is good and that dumbass Arnold in California recently vetoed a gay marriage bill, but who is surprised at that? Not so cool having the Terminator as your Governor now is it? He's offended women rights, minorities rights and lately the civil rights groups of California. I am soooo hoping he does not get re-elected. I expect that from this State, but not Cali, California has always been so progressive and liberal and challenging, I live in a state that has more cattle than people. I'm at work right now, putting in some hours so my paycheck get's a little weight on it! It's getting late but each time I grab my backpack to go, the wind starts howling and the rain is slamming into the windows and it freaks me out, so here I sit, afraid to leave my office!! Well actually see I have to set the alarm and it's at the back door, so then I have to walk aalllll the way around the building to the front of my building where my car is parked. Miss Mantoan is on my cell speakerphone right now telling me about Bride Kidnapping in China...she's begging to be kidnapped 'cause she has no choice! *sigh* I guess this storm ain't that bad after all, I can run through the rain!!
hugz