Anniversary

Today is the year anniversary of the personnel committee ambush at Branch's. I am past it.. but I'll never be past it. I miss leading others in worship. I miss the regular study and preparation necessary to lead adults as they grow musically and spiritually.

The events of my "review" linger in my mind like a sick nightmare. I trusted those men on the personnel committee. I looked to them for guidance. I didn't agree on many things with them, but we all wanted the best for the church. I trusted Bob to look out for me even though he was an "interim". My pain is linked inextricably to the betrayal and utter disregard of me and my family. I deserved more. We deserved better.

The self serving sickness that runs rampant through our society manifests even stronger in the church. Inside a church, a rash desire for power and control generates the idea that a "goal" can be achieved. The ends cannot justify the means in this case.

I am a hypocrit. I am goal oriented. I like to win. I believe that we should be the best possible. I think that I know best. I expect results in my time, my way, with my plan. That is the curse of a leader. I am as guilty as those who persecuted me. As one of their leaders, I failed to influence them to act as Christ would have. Satan divided us, and destroyed us from within like a cancer. I believed that we all needed to focus on a goal for unity. I missed the key step, that goals are important, but the ministry is in the journey. When I expose myself transparently as a Christian and a leader, I make myself a target. Other Christians will say that I don't do things correctly, and the secular world will say that I don't do enough. It is a vicious cycle that we all must face. I can only pray that I never make the mistake again, and that God will provide another opportunity for the Prillaman's to use our music to bring people closer to God.

I miss so much of my life from a year ago, but I have so much now that I couldn't have even imagined if we had stayed on the old tracks. Today, I am bitter. This post is filled with anger and disgust for those who caused me so much pain. God is gracious and has surrounded me with people who genuinely care about us. I hope that by writing these thoughts down, I can somehow make them pass away. That by voicing my pain and lashing out, I can expel the last bits of the poison that I allowed to invade my life last Spring.

My hope is in the Lord. I seek the wind as my source, not the strength and power of my own wings. I believe.

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:28-31