Addio

We went to the farewell celebration for Susan tonight at HRBC. She has resigned, and is looking for a new future. The event was wonderfully orchestrated, well attended and successful in every aspect. The closing number was Phillip signing "Thank you, for giving to the Lord" to the recording. Elegant, touching, authentic, beautiful in every sense. She has a wonderful spirit and the church appears to have treated her appropriately. (at least on the surface)... I know there must be more, but I don't want to know of it.

As I listened, my heart was sickened upon thinking of my own departure from Branch's Baptist Church in Richmond and how poorly that was handled. I do miss those people. I love them and to this day, I feel like I left a huge piece of me at that place.

Back to reality... Tracee thinks I may be depressed, but I am not. She thinks I get mean when I am stressed like this. Now, there may be some truth to that. The upcoming competition has me stressed and excited all at the same time. Most of the people in my current world have no idea what is involved in what Charles and I have undertaken. Even if we win, this will be so much more a personal victory and success than a public one. I still "have game". I yearn so much for recognition, and respect. So much more than for rewards or money. I reinvent myself each time I try to innovate. Somewhere deep inside myself, I have to prove to myself that I am moving up and changing and not running from my past. I look for roots, respect, and recognition, and ultimately I like rewards. I am no different than others.

For now, I am simply dealing with the reality that no matter how hard I work, it will never be enough. I have to do a better job of relying on God to set the pace and carry the load. He must be the center of my being in everything. including my music and my family...

Joshua 22:1-5 (The Message)
1 Then Joshua summoned the Reubenites, the Gadites and the half-tribe of Manasseh 2 and said to them, "You have done all that Moses the servant of the LORD commanded, and you have obeyed me in everything I commanded. 3 For a long time now—to this very day—you have not deserted your brothers but have carried out the mission the LORD your God gave you. 4 Now that the LORD your God has given your brothers rest as he promised, return to your homes in the land that Moses the servant of the LORD gave you on the other side of the Jordan. 5 But be very careful to keep the commandment and the law that Moses the servant of the LORD gave you: to love the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to obey his commands, to hold fast to him and to serve him with all your heart and all your soul."