Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Do you go to hell if you sleep with a priest...

...?? It's just a question. I mean, I didn't but I could, okay I won't.

Monday, September 26, 2005

I'm forced to recycle old stories...

...I've been so busy that I haven't had a chance to blog in awhile. In a nutshell, I'm doing great. One of my friends suggested I put the "Mouse" story on my blog page, so...here it goes. I had just moved to Fresno a couple of weeks earlier...

Originally sent Fri, 27 Aug 2004 15:13:12 -0700 (PDT)

So this is how I started my day today. First of all let me preface by explaining that we do have a mouse. I've seen him, he's tiny but he's still...a mouse. Centuries ago man and mouse lived together in harmony but those days are gone. I want him killed, dead, gone! At night when I sit on the computer and listen to the Olympics on the TV behind me, I hear him. He's in the kitchen, he's in the pantry, he knocks things over and he's getting too bold. So I tell my roomie Sandy and she puts out some cheap sticky traps and is certain we are going to catch him, we even have old poison around and he'll eat that. I think he just ice skated on the sticky traps, we don't catch him and he's still disturbing my late night web surfing. He's a smart sucker. So I wake up yesterday and go turn on the tv and sit on the couch and I hear some rustling amidst some diaper packages next to the entertainment center, then OUT speeds this little gray thing, he heads over to the wall and through kitchen and into the back of the stove. I was dumbfounded. I did NOT just see a mouse. Oh NO HE DINNNIT! So when my heart beat comes back to an acceptable level, I call my mom and she's like, you have to kill him, you have to get rid of him...he'll breed, they'll be more...they'll be in your room. Nuff said. I call my roomie on lunch and she's just like oh, well ok, we'll have to get some more traps and blah blah blah. Sandy is not realizing the severity of this situation. I am still in shock of sharing a dwelling with a rodent. I'm still in shock of seeing him run through the living room. I must take matters into my own city boy hands.

So I hit Wal-Mart after work and I buy poison, snap traps and sticky pads that look like you can tow a truck with them, just stick 'em on your bumper. I'm going to get this mouse! We set up the traps (the kids had great fun helping me with the snap traps) and the kitchen is armed, it's dangerous...it's soon to be...the killing field.

I didn't hear him last night, he's waiting, he knows...he's planning his next move. I sit, I wait...I'm waiting to hear the snap trap, a shriek when he get's stuck...at least him knocking something over but I hear nothing...it's quiet on the Killing field tonight.

So I stumble out of bed this morning and walk into the kitchen and stop short, there he is, he's on the sticky trap right next to the oven. I knew I'd get him, I knew it, but it's early and I didn't want to touch it, ugh! So I went back to bed. When I got up later he had moved to the other side of the sticky trap and I thought, he's going to get out if he keeps that up. So I called my momma and she told me I had to either kill him or put it in a plastic
bag so he would suffocate and I didnt' want to do either and my mom was like you have to and I was like NO! and she was like yes! and I was like NO and she was like yes! and I was like NO and she was like YES! aaahhhh!!
So...I picked up the trap with the mouse on it with salad tongs, and the
mouse started shrieking and I started screaming and my mom was like,
just do it!! I almost peed. So I put him in a ziplock bag and threw him in the garbage can out back. Hell of way to start my day I tell you.
So now we should have no more mouse problems, I hope he was the only one because I really don't think I can do that every morning before breakfast. So that's the lastest from the country, I hope you are all well...and mouse free.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Where I'm supposed to be...

...last night I was talking to a friend of mine here in town and she asked if I think I've had a good life. It made me think. I told her...I think I've had an excellent life! I'm 35 and have lived more and seen more than some people twice my age, I've dated men who could afford to fly me all over the place on a moments notice and dated men who couldn't get a job if their life depended on it. I've stayed at some of the finest hotels in the U.S. and also went a week without electricity in my little one bedroom apartment (just recently actually). I've lived overseas and in Las Vegas, Phoenix, San Jose, Fresno...just to name a few. I guess one can say I've been on both sides of the spectrum. After telling my friend about some of my adventures, I felt a bit nostalgic for my "nomadic" ways, but then again I haven't even been here a year yet. She asked if I missed that lifestyle, and for the first time I can honestly say...not really. I'm where I'm supposed to be right now, I'm content here. It's been quite awhile since I've been content. I like my little apartment, my laid back job and my little circle of friends. I love the weather and the laid back atmosphere of this city, I like being away from my family's drama. I don't have that "restlessness" about me anymore (well at least not now). I think the second chapter of my life is really about me finishing school. There's still a lot I want to do and see, and money will really help with that. I'm not really at that age to be a boytoy anymore *grin*. Besides, I want to do things on my own...explore by myself. So where I'm going after this, God only knows...but for now, I'm where I'm supposed to be. Of course I could drop out of school by mid-terms and end up staying at a friends place in Hawaii (which was something I was pondering before I ended up here). I think that's the beauty of my life, I just don't really know where the wind will blow me. Some people can't stand that, they can't stand not having a plan or knowing what's happening next. I on the other hand don't want to know, I don't want to have a plan or know what's around the corner, that's just not my style. You can live life or exist. I'd like to think I'm living... :-)
Now...if my landlord would only let me have a dog...
:-)
late

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Normal..

Two very interesting comments on "normal"...I loved them both...

if you are reading this please post your ideas.. we all benefit from your thoughts...

For me, normal this week was summed up by my return to a Wed night choir rehearsal at HRBC. I had a great time. I sang hard, laughed a bit, and left wanting more. People there are no different than in past months but something is different about me. My context and my perspective to "desire" was to be in the house of God rather than feeling obligated by routine, expectations, and normalcy. I had no need to be in charge.. just a desire to lift my voice along with others...

Who defines normal for you?
What does normal mean to you in your daily actions?
What is normal in your relationship with God?
How is that different from your committment and dedication to your church?
What are the normal things about your family?
What is normal in your relationships with friends?
What are normal expectations of the "other people" in your life?


Family News:
Tracee continues to improve. Our life has some order to it.. even if just a little..

I am..







what flavor pocky are you?


[c] sugardew

I'm going back to high school!

...well kind of. Ok so you know I dropped my Lakota language class. Well my friend teaches it at a high school...sooo...she said I can sit on her course! Isn't that great! I feel so old though, but ironically no one has said anything (must be all that water and vitamin C I take). :-)
So in any case, that's going well, I learned a lot in her class already. I need to get a window for my car, tags, groceries. I have a million things to do, oh I also kind of have a stalker but more on that later once I put an end to that. I'm so busy, I have barely enough time to blog!! And I really need to, it's a good release. Ok this weekend is St. Joes Powwow, so I'm going to that. NO work, no studying, just me on the rez at the powwow, I'm looking forward to it. Did I mention I'm smoking again? I am. Like since I drove back to CA with my Aunt Lee and she smoked me out all the way so now I'm like a smoker again!! I enjoy it though, so I don't even bother to try and quit right now. You know, if you don't want to quit, you won't.
I got pulled over yesterday by the cutest cop (here the rambling begins) and he let me go! See I had expired tags unbeknownst to me though, but he remembers when he was a college student and how much a citation like that would have hurt him financially, so he was really cool and I got no ticket. Of course now I'm trying to find my cousin so she can help me get the tags. Did anyone see Supernatural last night? I meant to but I was listening to my music CD for music class and I think I'm beginning to like classical music, or maybe just the stuff I'm listening to, I'm not sure. In any case I really wanted to see that show but I just never really get time to watch TV much anymore, which I guess is a good thing. Ok I have to stop and call about a window for my car, track down my cousin and do all this paperwork on my desk because I guess I need to earn a living no matter how busy I am. Oh and eat some top ramen.
later!

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Obligations

It is Sunday morning, and we should be in church right now... except, Tracee doesn't want to go, her mother wouldn't even imagine going, and my mom and dad just left after their quick visit.. All of this combined... we are not going... We are deviating from the norm... at least as defined by our recent history...

"Normal"
1 a. according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle
b. conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern
2 occurring naturally and not because of disease, inoculation, or any experimental treatment
3 a. of, relating to, or characterized by average intelligence or development
b. free from mental disorder
c. characterized by balanced well-integrated functioning of the organism as a whole
4 a of a solution, having a concentration of one gram equivalent of solute per liter b. containing neither basic hydrogen nor acid hydrogen
c. not associated
d. having a straight-chain structure
Merriam-Webster's Medical Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc

What does normal mean to you? What are your expectations of yourself and others? What is "normal" defines much of our context in interacting with our world.. I am hopeful that some of you will answer with ideas re: these areas
1. HOME/FAMILY
2. FRIENDS
3. WORK
4. CHURCH
5. GOD


Family news:

Tracee is feeling better(at least some) and we are beginning to adjust to the reality of our new life. The testing and injections are not the norm yet, but they will become that way in the near future. Relationships with neighbors and friends at HRBC are strengthening...what a blessing. Our support community is playing a major role in Tracee's recovery.. Strength is returning.. to all of us... As the shock of the past two weeks fades into memory, we are able to look forward to the future.. It will be exciting to see what God has in store...

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Disillusioned but searching

I am pretty disillusioned by most churches these days, even HRBC to a certain extent. What those few folks did to me at Branch's was just the icing on the cake...I'm not blaming, more like taking ownership of my role in all of it.. I am struggling to find the importance of what I have to offer these days, versus the potential damage to my family.. The risk seems so great...but I am trying to be true to my calling.. No answers on how to proceed yet. Time will tell.

I want a new way to do worship and missions where liturgy, and beauty matter more, but people are still focused on helping one another- focused outward on impacting their communities, not their churches... I no longer believe in the mechanism of the church that I have grown up in.. but it is the best out there until a newer model comes of age. Talking with Mclaren last week was enlightening... I am not sure he and his team are any further along than I am in my thinking.. Only difference is his last 20 years were rooted in a Willow Creek model.. and mine in more traditional Baptist churches.. We are both seeking a new way/approach.. Blah blah blah..talk is cheap... I know... when I have something more tangible, I will try it... community is the key.. building layered communities that overlap contexts and support one another...

For me, life outside of church leadership is strangely empty.. but before I return to it, I have be sure that I am not acting on some self-aggrandizing motive, and that I have nothing to prove to anyone but God... tough for someone like me. The allure of a platform to preach from, and musicians to teach and encourage is so enticing... Question is whether the attraction is about me, or about God..

I think I know the answer, I just want to be sure.

Tracee and I have several ideas.. We have definite plans to start a next generation arts school(cool stuff, pretty cutting edge if it works), begin a semi professional vocal ensemble, and maybe even start a church sometime in the future. All big talk, but something is definitely on the edge of breaking out. She is more excited than I am about most of this.. I am spending a lot of time investing in people around me, and thinking about what our next base of operations needs to look like. I am sure that there is a plan, I'm just not sure God will tell me what it is.. ;)

As far as working in a local church right now... I know I can do the jobs around here.. question is whether I should..for now.. we plan to become contributing members of our local "church - base of ops" and see how we can do the most good for God, not for the church..

Kingdom work is the goal.. the action plan will vary according to the purpose God reveals...and the story is constantly changing and evolving... there is no correct answer ... there is just a story which we are all a part of... we all play our part on the stage...

Friday, September 9, 2005

I need more time...

...there is not enough hours in the day. Between work and school and studying and trying to find time to walk and exercise, it's just not working. Ok what I need is an exercise bike, in my office, with a direct connection via TV...to my classes. I'd be set! I did clean my apartment yesterday though, I had to...flies. Nuff said. Anyways so that made me feel good and I didn't study AT ALL yesterday but I did do cleaning...so technically I'm still owed a ME day. This weekend in additon to work, homework and studying I'm supposed to go to a bbq that my friend is having. I missed her last one because I was studying so I "promised" her I'd make time for her this weekend. Should be an interesting bbq. Ok my co-worker just came up to me and said she had released a spider outside the size of a silver dollar! ugh! I hate spiders! I told her she should have killed it, I would have. Sorry, I know it's wrong, especially in my culture because Inktomi (the Jokester) often comes to you as a spider and you are soooo not supposed to kill them, but I do. A lot. Which probably explains my life and events. :-)
Oh yea, I dropped my Lakota language class. I mean this prof. had no syllabus, she didn't want us taking notes and there was no text book. She just expected us to learn through osmosis I guess, hell if I know. Anyways, if I'm already behind in my "self paced" math class...how on earth does she think I will learn a language with no notes, textbook or basically any direction! *sigh*
Ok, time to do some work...I'm going to try and do a quote a day, I dunno why...just play along with me, I'm trying be inspired!
This is from a country and western song ('cause I'm so country now)it's called "get right with the man" by Van Zant. Anywho...the quote is: "if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans..."
I like that. Ok I'm outtie.
later

Wednesday, September 7, 2005

Crisis followup..

Fog seems to be lifting.. I am sick now, but thankfully it is only a return of the dreaded stomach bug and I can handle it. Tracee has managed her test and medications well today and seems are a bit more normal, at least on the surface.

It feels like there is some sort of giant elephant in the room that we are ignoring... Not sure I can put my finger on it exactly.

What is normal these days..? Home, friends, work, church..

Home: state of total confusion..
Friends: thank God they are there.. but I miss so many folks from Branch's and it is hard to stay in touch with people.. hard to define a baseline context for many of the more distant relationships.
Work: going great, I am motivated and trying hard, our teams are succeeding and we have strong support.. good to still have a job in today's climate
Church: We want to plug in more at HRBC but that seems to be relevant only to my relationship with Philip and Bert.. Is that selfish? maybe.. but true nonetheless. Got a wonderful letter from Randy.. that is one friendship related to church that we plan on nurturing.. what a neat guy. Kids will start wed night programs next week so we will go back into the "swing"... maybe that will help.

Meals being delivered are making a huge difference, but man it is hard to just accept help.. I guess I am too proud all around.

Prayers seem to be working all around. Maybe we can be in some sort or routine by the weekend...

School is here...

...and it's kicking my ass. I have one graduate course this semester (International Business) and it's taking a lot of my time, I have an internet math course in which I have YET to crack the book. The sad thing with that is that it's "self paced" okayyy...we all know the pace I tend to take if left to my own devices. In any case, this weekend I will study the hell out of math. I'm in school Tuesday and Thursdays, work three days a week here and also Saturdays. My friend wants to join a gym with me and I'm thinking...when will I have the time??
I'm slowly getting adjusted and trying to tighten up my study habits, it'll be easier as we progress in to Winter and the weather gets cooler. Other than that, not a whole lot going on. My electricity did get turned back on, caught up on my rent and gas and life is good. :-)
late

Tuesday, September 6, 2005

Crisis

Family emergencies have a way of "making or breaking" everyone. In the past week, I would suggest that we have done a bit of both.. story goes like this...

Entire family was sequentially sick with some sort of stomach bug.. causing diarhea and vomiting.. it was bad but really not all that uncommon for a family of our size..so we didn't think so much of it.

When Tracee got the bug it was right before my trip so we figured it was okay.. been here, done this.. was what we thought. I went ahead and left... Unknown to us, was the fact that Tracee's blood sugar levels had been in a dangerous range for months hampering her at every turn.. When the "bug" hit.. Tracee quickly deteriorated into dehydration, and became dangerously lethargic.. once again our collective collossal ignorance played out and the thinking was that this will pass.. we just did too much this past weekend and need to rest. Tracee's penchant for demonstrating her "supermomness" causes problems in situations like this, but luckily Tara came to the rescue..

Tracee tries to go the dr only to find that the entire practice is in Louisiana for hurricane relief... sooooo, Tracee goes to patient first.. they immediately send her to the hospital..
and the "KNOWN" part of the crisis begins.

Tara leaves me one of those chilling voicemails... our neighbors swung into action with the prillaman 4 kids... and Tara took Tracee along with her 3 children to the hospital emergency room, where Tracee was immediately diagnosed in serious to critical condition... I pick up the voicemail, call Tracee and rush back to Richmond. Upon my arrival, Tracee is basically non-responsive and barely awake in the emergency bed, but she is receiving fluids, and being monitored. Kids are at Cindy's, and Tara is still at the hospital with her 3 kids.. She agrees to go back to the house and to stay the night with the kids, since I need to stay with Tracee..

Tracee is diagnosed with Diabetic Ketoacidosis and admitted.. no thanks to the general poor attention and care of the ER doctor. I wanted to put the guy through a wall, but for more on that you need to talk to me..

The complication here is that Tracee presented like a Type 1 diabetic but she was actually a Type II in crisis. Tracee's sugar levels took 4 days to even think of stabilizing, and all the while the "bug" is still wrecking her system. She didn't eat at all for over a week, and the dehydration was very difficult to handle due to her inability to hold down any foods or the fluids..

put this into perspective.. in only 4 weeks, we estimate Tracee lost about 30 pounds.. trust me, this is not the way to do it.

Tara stayed with the kids for 2 nights.. she was probably the glue that kept things at least manageable in those early hours along with our neighbors Cindy and Pam.. I shudder to think what I would have done without them.. Thank you Lord for putting these people into my life. Tracee's mother and sister came down from NJ to help through the weekend, and while that was stressful in its own right, it was nice to have them here.. Her mother will be staying for a couple of weeks and that is a huge help..

Jump to yesterday... We finally got the sugar levels to come under 200 and she was discharged..BTW.. the correct range should be 80-120...

Tracee is insulin dependant requiring testing 3 times a day and injections 4 times a day, but we are learning to deal with it... In a week or two we should know what teh baseline is and how to adjust for diet and activity.. This is very complex and very dangerous..

Pray for us...Tracee is weak and recovering from the hospital, but she is coming back quickly.. I have a lot more to write about.. with this, but it will take some time... moral of the story.. People are all that matter... building community is the key to a solid foundation.. All the stuff in teh world is insignificant... it can all be replaced. People and relationships cannot.

Many have asked us how we are... the answer.. we are not dead.. we are alive, so it is time to start acting like it...everyone has problems and hurdles...the game is to simply deal with them and push on...